Longtime McSweeneys.net contributors Jason Roeder and Mike Sacks are two of the founding members of the Association for the Betterment of Sex. They, along with their colleagues, Ted Travelstead (Esquire), Todd Levin (The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien), and Scott Jacobson (The Daily Show), have written the new book SEX: Our Bodies, Our Junk, which Stephen Colbert calls, “The perfect coffee table book for people with sexually inadequate houseguests.” In the interests of promoting sexual health and their book, Mr. Roeder and Mr. Sacks have graciously offered to answer your sex and relationship questions, no matter how peculiar or sad they might be.
Dear Sexperts,
Why do so many men request to be called “daddy” during sex? I was under the impression that incest was socially unacceptable. I mean, my dad is hot and all, but that’s just gross. Please don’t get all Freudian on me.
Sincerely,
Devoted Daughter
Simply put, men who request to be called daddy often do so precisely because it’s socially unacceptable. That’s why, in the throes of passion, you’ve no doubt also had lovers demand that you speak out in favor of ageism in the workplace or put on a replica Mussolini fez—it’s all about the inappropriateness. While the use of “daddy” in a sexual context tweaks the incest taboo, at least it has heat. It may fluster you to hear it, but what would you think of a partner who played it safe, who in the midst of a sweat-soaked missionary clench whispered in your ear, “I’m not your daddy. It’s true that while all humans have a common ancestor who roamed the earth millions of years ago, our genetic overlap—and therefore, our relatedness—is so slight as to be nonexistent.”
Bor-ing!
So, if your partner ever "requests"* that you call him “daddy,” you have several options. One, you can indulge him in an occasional bout of unmentionable freakiness, provided the scenario does not extend beyond the bedroom (do not let him force piano lessons on you). Two, you can shut him down with a firm no and insist he forever store up his fantasies like dangerous radiation that would sterilize livestock for 500 miles if the slightest bit leaked out. Or, three, you can negotiate. Each year in the U.S., literally thousands of relationships are saved by a single word: granduncle.
*Probably not the right word for his tone of voice unless you could also imagine it being used to ask passengers to stay in their seats during a patch of turbulence.
Dear Sexperts,
How do I know if I just received a hickey? Sometimes I don’t know it’s happening and then the next day I have a lot of explaining to do.
Thank you,
Dawn
Dawn, this is a terrific question that deserves a terrific answer. In lieu of that, let us first define the term “hickey,” a somewhat strange-sounding word that has entirely different meanings on different continents. For instance, in Africa “hickey” is defined as “a scab on one’s genitals that resembles a horseshoe.” In Australia, “hickey” is a verb, meaning “to kiss someone until they beg you to gargle with mouthwash.”
Here in America, “hickey” is usually defined as “a bite mark left on a lover’s neck or backside.” In medical terms, there is only one way to tell if you’ve just received a hickey. Ask a priest or a rabbi, one who doesn’t know you very well—if at all. Another option is to speak to the aging parish priest you might run into occasionally at a bingo hall or at an AA meeting. Do not ask a friend or co-worker! Do you want an honest answer or do you want to be strung along by an idiot who knows nothing about sex and has everything to gain by lying?
If you happen to be an agnostic or even an atheist, Wikipedia has a pretty good illustration of a hickey, and we suggest that you use that. The illustration was originally drawn by Theodor Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss, when he was young and trying to make a go as an illustrator for sex guides. Please ignore the fact that the hickey is on a funny-looking green cow with wings.
Dear Sexperts,
Why does my authentic Haitian love candy only bring me fat dudes and junkies?
Love,
Desperate in Paradise
That’s a great question, and one we get often. Haitian love candy is one of a number of imported products, including Newfoundland Stiffening Bisque and Bear Pheromone Pocky, that claim to boost one’s sexual potency or desirability. These so-called enhancers are totally unregulated, so it’s impossible to know what they contain. The ingredients list, where present, is usually written in a foreign or extinct language, and those that do appear in English offer little useful detail. Even the very best labels will merely make reference to “a proprietary blend of sexifying herbs” and then provide instructions for injecting the substance directly into your pituitary gland.
Maybe the problem isn’t the ineffectiveness of your Haitian love candy, but the way you appraise potential mates. If a fella’s otherwise a smart, kind, interesting person, does it matter so much that he’s a little chubby? Is it really a dealbreaker if he’s a narcotized scarecrow who has spent most of the past three years facedown on a futon in an abandoned tow yard? You’ll have to answer these questions for yourself, and we urge you to try. Our guess is you won’t regret it.
Oops, we just remembered Haitian love candy is usually fatal within twelve months and that the last eight will feel like an endless back-and-forth between the worst food poisoning you’ve ever had and two simultaneous taserings. Sorry for wasting your time.