[These letters were compiled by Gabe Hudson, Jessica Rabinowitz, and Kevin Feeney.]
Dear Mr. President,
I think that it is a travesty and downright shame to revoke the Purple Hearts from Marines injured in the Iraqi Expedition.
Marine Cpl. Travis Eichelberger and 11 others have been issued “Letters of Error” by the USMC. He was a Marine whom you visited bedside, in the hospital.
Whether the injury was caused by a sniper or an Abrams tank rolling over a Marine—HE WAS RISKING HIS LIFE IN A WARTIME SITUATION—AND WAS SERIOUSLY INJURED!
Please intervene. This is a shameful and ridiculous situation which needs to be properly and honorably resolved.
Sincerely,
J.C. Yelvington
Austin, Texas
Dear Mr. President,
You often say, “Whoever is not with us, is against us.” However, Jesus says in Mark 9:40, “Whoever is not against us is for us.” Mr. President, your approach, although slightly different in syntax, is significantly different in meaning than the approach of the founder of the faith which you profess to practice. Your phrasing advocates pre-emptive violence, whereas Jesus’ advocates pre-emptive peace.
Sincerely,
Matt Werner
Dear Mr. President,
Did you watch Ellen’s Heterosexual Valentine’s Day Special on NBC?
There were quite a few heterosexuals explaining how to stay heterosexually married for a gazzillion years. The heterosexual Allison Janney from The West Wing talked about the day her heterosexual husband-to-be proposed to her in Golden Gate Park (after “kidnapping” her—what a surprise!)
Not that there’s anything wrong with heterosexual Valentine’s Day fun. I have many heterosexual friends who are in love and I love them and I love watching them in love, of course.
Sincerely,
Jennifer DiOrio
Dear Mr. President,
Our local news reported that a Norwegian family was upset with you because you used a satan worshiping sign. I just wanted to let you know that we called the news station for you and told them you were just “throwing the goats”—a salute of musical happiness associated with modern music, mostly metal.
I find it odd that the Norwegians were so offended by this, since their homeland is the origin of church-burning black metal bands. By the way, these bands were not satanists, they were just mad at the Anglicans and Catholics for suppressing their ancient religion and culture. They lashed out at Christian churches with four hundred years of sorrow and loss of their heritage, not because they were satanists.
At any rate, we give you the goats back and wish you the best in all your metal adventures!
Sincerely,
Julie Johnston
Dear Mr. President,
My husband is a soldier, and I don’t want him to die, especially for reasons that no one understands. Maybe you can ease a young wife’s mind and tell me, what exactly are these wars really about?
Because “freedom” just isn’t cutting it anymore.
Sincerely,
Nicole Purtell
[NOTE: The opinions expressed in these letters do not necessarily represent those of McSweeney’s, Knopf, Vintage, Kevin Feeney, Jessica Rabinowitz,
or Gabe Hudson.]