[These letters were compiled by Gabe Hudson, Jessica Rabinowitz, and Kevin Feeney.]
Dear Mr. President,
I can’t help wondering why I’ve never seen you dance. I suppose that Boris Yeltsin’s drunken flexing-elbow-in-isolation gaffe would be enough to dissuade any public figure from “cutting a rug,” but you can take some consolation in the fact that he’s no better than a horny collegiate trying to impress a wet t-shirt beauty queen at a Daytona bar.
I believe that the easiest way to determine your connection with the universe is whether you can shake your “groove thang.” Please shimmy more often during press events.
This will ensure that a good cross-section of Republican voters see you as a guy with some rhythm. I must admit that there’s logic indicating that you represent a non-rhythmic Republican majority that couldn’t give a rip about the far cooler (and motile) Left, but I’ll leave these issues to policy experts.
You’ve already been accused of having a gimpy handshake. I’d hate to think you couldn’t apply yourself syncopationally, either. I mean, the evidence is piling up: you’re not a robotic, bleeding-heart humanist; you’re a feckless, uncoordinated wallflower.
Sincerely,
Danso: The Trayner
Dear Mr. President,
There is a hole in the ozone.
Just thought you should know.
Sincerely,
Ellen Haden
Dear Mr. President,
I learned yesterday the meaning of the term “sunset provision.” I am referring to the portion of a law enacted by Congress which has a time limit, requiring that at the end of a stated year, the law will expire unless it is voted back to life by a full majority in Congress.
Mr. President, there is a sunset provision on the Patriot Act. I and many of my friends will be working hard to ensure that Congress does not re-enact it. Therefore it would appear that you, sir, have no clothes. But do not fear. I will be taking up a collection at the Zen Buddhist Temple of Chicago to send you some.
Would you prefer gray or blue cotton prayer robes?
Sincerely,
Mariya Strauss
Dear Mr. President,
In my high school we have intruder drills. We’re supposed to turn off the lights, lock the door, draw the curtain, get on the floor towards the back of the classroom and remain still and quiet. This procedure supposedly will save us from a crazy teenager with a gun, or maybe a terrorist. The intruder is supposed to be tricked into believing that, in fact, no one is at school, that perhaps he mistakenly came on a Saturday.
We aren’t very quiet. We huddle together and share food. Some kids play on their cell phones. We throw things and laugh until the teacher half-heartedly shoots us a glance.
Mr. President, please don’t make everything about heroes and villains. Such talk just encourages them to multiply. I wouldn’t mind a world with less heroes if it meant fewer villains, too.
Sincerely,
Yoo-Hyun Oak
Dear Mr. President,
My faith teaches that all actions have consequence—you reap what you sow. If you don’t change course, your paragraph in the history books will say:
“C-student, son of a former president, executed more people as Governor of Texas than any other Governor in US history. Led the country during the worst terrorist attack in history. Oversaw a lackluster economy and invasion of two countries. Cut taxes for the rich and lowered social security benefits for the old.”
Find something in that paragraph that will get you into Heaven.
Good luck and God Bless.
Sincerely,
Stephen Dove
Dear Mr. President,
I was reading the dictionary tonight, for pleasure, and came across a few apt words. I’ll share …
Paradox {noun} 1) a. seemingly absurd or contradictory statement, even if actually well-founded. b. self-contradictory or essentially absurd statement. 2) person or thing having contradictory qualities.
Shiftless {Adjective} Lacking resourcefulness; lazy; inefficient.
Founder {Verb} 3) Trip, stumble, lurch, topple, collapse; go lame.
Sincerely,
R.O.H.
Dear Mr. President,
All phenomena are like a reflection, clear and pure without turbulence, ungraspable and indescribable, purely derived from cause and effect without self-nature and without location.
If you, by understanding phenomena in this way, work for the welfare of sentient beings without discrimination, you will be born as a son or daughter of the Buddhas.
Sincerely,
James Mitchell
Dear Mr. President,
Diplomacy is, relatively speaking, cheap. But the best part is that no one dies. The only problem, I suppose, is that it requires a little patience. But then again, war seems a little trying too, doesn’t it?
Sincerely,
Perrin Dargan
[NOTE: The opinions expressed in these letters do not necessarily represent those of McSweeney’s, Knopf, Vintage, Kevin Feeney, Jessica Rabinowitz,
or Gabe Hudson.]