MAGGIE
I know we have to invite your sister to the wedding, but does she have to bring Jack?
PETER
Jack’s OK, if he would simply refrain from drinking.
WOLF-BOY
Ooowwwllll. Yap Yap Yap.
MAGGIE
He’s just tiresome—his whole act, talking about his grandiose business plans. He’ll probably start hitting up papa for financial backing. It’s all just so… tiresome.
PETER
Well, you were the one who wanted this whole church wedding and reception. I said, “Let’s go before the magistrate,” but then your mother got involved, and now you don’t want to invite my brother-in-law.
SCULLERY MAID
[banging pots]
Crang blang shuresha plamb.
MAGGIE
Well if we’re going to bring mothers into this, let’s talk about my future mother-in-law… always frowning at the colors, turning her nose up at the pattern I selected [sniffles].
PETER
Darling…
CANNONBALL SID
[launching]
Bugurrrrrshhhh! Yeaooooh.
WOLF-BOY
Yap. Yap. Yaapp. Grrrr.
MAGGIE
[suddenly animated]
You’ve been “darling”-ing me through this whole thing, but I tell you I can’t take much more from her. Did I tell you what she did the other day—
GOOSE GIRL CHOIR
[interupting, hoofing, singing]
Qurak qurak qurak! Loddydodydody—
MAGGIE
[exasperated, continuing]
I was sitting in the study doing my needlepoint and she comes in and looks over my shoulder for a minute or two, then she has the nerve to say: “You dropped a stitch.” I mean really.
PETER
Darling, listen… when this thing is over and we have survived it, all that will matter is that we shall be together.
CANNONBALL SID
[landing]
Oooff…
[Hard shoes on wood signify the entrance of a matron.]
PETER
Mama! I didn’t know you were coming down today.
MAGGIE
[despondent]
Oh, hullo. We were just talking about you.
MRS FELDSPAR
Well, the rail service was simply deplorable. I was seated in a cabin with a horrible American. Darling, that frock is most unflattering, no doubt your mother picked it out….
WOLF-BOY
Yap oooowllll. Urrrrrrrr.
SCULLERY MAID
[throwing out the water]
Slurssssshhhhuuuurg.
MAGGIE
Well, I never. Peter, I will see you at dinner. Mrs. Feldspar, good afternoon.
MRS FELDSPAR
Isn’t your fair bride staying for tea?
CANNONBALL SID
[dusting himself off]
Ulrp ulrp ulrp.
PETER
Mother, I must ask you to go a bit easier on Maggie. The old girl’s had just about enough.
MRS. FELDSPAR
Whatever do you mean?
MRS. PLUM
[suddenly entering]
M’lord, Mum, tea is served in the garden.
XARATREES, HIDEOUS ALIEN FROM ANOTHER GALAXY
[suddenly entering]
Letigic capswan urt treweller. Intic vedralaz bigestruti!
GOOSE GIRL CHORUS
[suddenly singing]
Toddydoody quirl quirl quirlinging!
SCULLERY MAID
[suddenly exiting, with pots]
Bubangilanganginginkilinit.
WOLF-BOY
[suddenly exiting]
Yap Yap Yap. Yumm…
CANNONBALL SID
[suddenly relaunching]
Burrruuushhh. Yeoow!
XARATREES, HIDEOUS ALIEN FROM ANOTHER GALAXY
[suddenly despondent]
Wirintric melsh cumellongo [sniffles].
[Here the transmission became incomprehensible.]