Column 7:
Plots, Parodies, and Porn

Anyone who’s watched a hardcore porno in the past few years will know what I mean when I say that plot in porn is dead. Gone are the days of badly written scripts, cheesy acting, bad music, and pizza boys with big pepperonis. Beginnings, story and character development, sexual tension, and proper denouement are things of the past. In their place we’ve got “gonzo” porn, which started out as a cheaper way to film hardcore sex from the likes of Buttman, Ben Dover, and Seymore Butts and worked its way into the biggest mainstream porn studios. Gonzo offers straight-up sex served with a side of more sex, compilations of hardcore scenes focused on particular themes, close-ups of penetration, and cameraman-as-director-as-performer. Very little talking aside from screamed obscenities and the occasional, “Yeah, baby!” Most of the time there’s no script at all, no buildup or back story or character. Just sex, sex, and more sex.

And let me tell you something: it gets old, fast. Four to five hours watching each DVD with nothing but that wet, slapping sound to keep me company, and maybe some gagging thrown in from time to time… Not so much fun. I sure would enjoy some talking now and then to alleviate the monotony. I like stories and characters and imagination. I mean, I also like sex, but too much of a good thing without the aid of a little creativity really sucks (pun intended).

I mean, I guess the situation, much as it blows (ditto), does make sense. Up against the internet juggernaut and its free, easily accessible, mind-bogglingly diverse content, which is available in short and satisfying clips on what seems like half the websites in existence, there aren’t many other directions for mainstream porn studios to go in. Hell, who needs to pay for the DVDs big studios are putting out when you can get literally anything you’ve ever wanted to see—and a lot more—at the click of a mouse? If you can watch thirty-second clips of fifty different girls getting seventy-five of your favorite sex acts performed on them for free, any DVD you purchase damn well better offer you at least that kind of bang for your buck (pun very much intended). Who can blame you for expecting more hardcore action with fewer frills when there’s that kind of competition? And who can blame the producers, directors, and performers for catering to you in order to stay afloat? Nobody, really. It’s just not so much fun for people like me who have to watch it when they’re not jerking off.

But it doesn’t bother everyone. Actually, most of the people in the industry I’ve spoken to about gonzo versus feature films prefer gonzo porn (“gonzo” referring to its “in the action” style of filming, a la Hunter S. Thompson’s gonzo journalism). It’s cheaper to make, it requires very little in the way of sets or costumes, and it’s a hell of a lot faster to film than big feature films. The performers I’ve talked to like doing gonzo because, as Asa Akira put it in an interview, they “show up, get fucked, get paid, and go home. That’s it.” Really, when it’s put like that, it makes you wonder why we’re not all doing gonzo shoots.

But then there are all those things that come along with internet- and gonzo-spurred competition that remind us why we’re not in porn: More extreme sex. More violent sex. More degrading sex. More really upsetting sex. Porn has to go farther and farther in order to catch anyone’s attention up against FreeOnes or YouPorn, and the result is getting weirder and more extreme by the day. Now, far be it from me to judge anyone for their fetishes or private proclivities. I’m not saying that degrading or violent sex is necessarily, inherently bad, since I’m sure a lot of these things are enjoyed by all parties involved and by most of the people watching them. Nor am I saying that online porn is inherently bad by extension. But let me tell you, there are some things that are just basically disturbing (verbal abuse; really violent domination play; the penetration of orifices not meant for penetration; the filling of orifices with things that are simply too large; choking, gagging, even vomiting induced by blow jobs), and many of them are online in quantity because porn consumers expect to have access to them there. And now—lucky me—they’ve leaked over into big-studio DVD films because they have to stay competitive to stay afloat. And I have to watch them.

I’m not blaming all of this on the internet. There are other factors contributing to mainstream pornography’s gradual slide into the gutter, like the ever-heightening level of shock and awe we have come to expect from Hollywood movies. When we pay for entertainment these days we expect the good stuff: CGI, 3D, HD, and other abbreviations that make us go “whoa.” Similarly, porn has to resort to its own abbreviations to keep up (if you don’t know these, don’t Google them at work): MILF, POV, BDSM, DP, BBW, BDWC, A2M, and on and on. The internet, although I was originally trying to take the blame off of it, may actually have its hand in this acronym trend; even Hollywood has had to resort to more extreme measures to keep itself afloat when faced with the itty-bitty attention spans of the internet-savvy theater audience. Who wants to watch long pieces of dialogue when we could be watching explosions on our iPhones? Better put some more explosions in the movies, and more “explosions” in the porn, too.

And I think mainstream Hollywood films and the internet have influenced the big porn studios in still other ways. It’s like the unholy trinity of shrinking attention spans. For instance, has anyone noticed how big blockbusters lately are almost always remakes? Or sequels? Trilogies? Prequels? Retellings of classic tales? Book adaptations? There seem to be only rare glimmers of creativity coming out of the hallowed halls of Hollywood, and what little there is isn’t exactly being rewarded. (Ahem, Golden Globes.) Similarly, with some very notable exceptions (2040, Flight Attendants) there’s not much glimmering happening in the San Fernando Valley, America’s porn headquarters. The biggest trend in scripted porn these days is parodies of well-known, well-loved mainstream movies and series. Just a few weeks ago at the 2010 AVN awards, Not the Cosbys XXX and The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody tied for an award. A few days before I wrote this, Hustler announced its 2010 parody lineup. The eight titles (and there’s no guarantee there won’t be more tacked on later) include parodies of Glee, Avatar, CSI, and The Hills. Nobody has ever prided the porn industry on its artistically creative merits, and, sure, they’ll be fun to watch because the jokes are built in, but c’mon, guys. Avatar? Really?

But then, who can blame them? With DVD sales still falling and the recession actually hitting the recession-proof industry for the first time as it faces off with the internet, playing it safe can hardly be criticized. Giving audiences more of what they’ve already proven they like is an almost risk-free endeavor and has become such a mainstay of the porn industry that having a porn parody made of your project is the new marker of mainstream success. Congratulations! Now watch your character get screwed by a massively endowed, fake-tanned version of your other character.

Personally, I think it’s time to reclaim original, plot-driven, interesting, and, yes, even creative films—with hardcore sex in them. It’s a new decade! Time to forge ahead with new adventures in the mixing of media and genres! Somewhere deep in the heart of Brooklyn there have to be performance artists and hipsters with the talent and the desire to act and be filmed having sex—why not let them have their cake and eat it too, so we can watch it?

Truth be told, I have some ideas for movies that could be great and have sex in them, but I’m afraid to make them for fear they’ll be labeled “just porn.” I know, I know, a sex writer and columnist should be brave and just do it. Screw tradition! Be original! Somebody has to pioneer the idea of the real film porno. But, well, I mean… It’s scary. I don’t want to be the next marginalized, forward-thinking, sex-positive porn director; I want to be a _film_maker who doesn’t shy away from real sex. I’d like to offer the public films somewhere between NC-17 and XXX, films that don’t get all red in the face and flustered when the story leads somewhere hot. I think we’re ready for it, people. Now I just have to convince myself we are, grab my nonexistent balls, and do it. Who’s with me? … Anybody?