- Brined it, boiled it, basted it, and baked it at a low temperature for approximately twelve hours
- Crafted an artisanal sunhat complete with ramp bows and a crushed-hazelnut embellished rim
- Dressed it in an elbow-patched tweed suitcoat, boy-scout knickers, bowtie, and suede Oxfords, and cast it in the new Wes Anderson movie
- Berated it, accosted it, and brought its attention to its life’s failures until it shriveled and died
- Produced a very fragrant, though subtle, underarm deodorant
- Sold it for cash to put toward student loan debt
- Sheltered it from the cruel world and held it tightly into the night until its low whimpering stopped and it feel asleep
- Constructed an eco-friendly pooper scooper
- Rejected its notions that God must exist based solely on Thomas Aquinas’s tenet that because the universe is in constant movement that there must be an initial mover—since something cannot move without a principal thing to move it
- Washed it, chopped it, and sautéed it with a little garlic and olive oil