I want to check out the Kama Sutra, but I don’t want the librarian who checks out the book to me to think I’m some kind of pervert. Do you think people are perverts when they check out those kinds of books?

To be honest, the librarians checking out books frequently don’t pay an incredible amount of attention to what they’re checking out unless the person brings attention to themselves. For instance, I was checking out a book on abortion to a teenager once. The teen, who was a male, told me, “I’m not going to have an abortion or anything—it’s for a report.” I had not noticed he was checking out a book on abortion until he told me. If you’re still paranoid, here are some tips: Don’t wear bright clothing that makes you appear strange, because people are always interested in seeing what strange people are reading. Make casual conversation, so the person checking out the book isn’t paying attention to what you’re checking out. And, finally, hide the book in between some less embarrassing reading material (e.g., Tom Clancy, John Grisham, or Mary Higgins Clark).

A librarian bent over to retrieve a book on the bottom of the bookshelf, and … farted. I had to really control myself from not laughing hysterically, and ended up running off so the librarian didn’t see me laughing. Was this the appropriate course of action?

Laughter is always the best medicine. The librarian had no trouble holding in what they were feeling, so why should you?

Why can’t I look at porn in the library? Isn’t it my right as a citizen?

Look at yourself in the mirror. You’re a disgusting creature if you honestly get some kind of kick from looking at nudies in a place full of women, children, and—let’s not forget—librarians. Have some decency, you freak.

Have you ever had a government agent tell you to hand over a patron’s record?

No.

If a librarian is mean to me and I call him/her on it, will he/she put fines on my record and make my life miserable?

Librarians fantasize about doing such things, but to actually do so would go against the code. If a librarian breaks the librarian code, the head librarian (the same one who created J.K. Rowling) will have no choice but to kill the librarian in question Agatha Christie-style.

Does the librarian like me?

Probably not. It’s nothing personal. Librarians aren’t usually into people who spend time going to a library. Besides, are you really attracted to the librarian, or are you just attracted to the fact that they work at a library?

I saw a librarian who was wrong. Should I tell him/her they are wrong?

Absolutely not. You’d only end up embarrassing yourself. Librarians are never wrong—they know everything. If they say 1+1=3, then they’re right. In fact, 1+1 does equal 3; we only say 2 because many, many years ago someone asked a librarian what 1+1 equaled and the librarian said 2. It was the right answer then, but not anymore, because librarians have since concluded that the new answer is 3. Go ahead, tell your math teachers they’re wrong.

Do librarians drink, dance, and do things normal people would consider fun?

Some do.

-Do you?_

I’m the designated driver. I did have a sip of wine at a wedding once when I was 11, however, but I spit it out. But boy, did it give me a buzz.

Why are librarians so serious?

It’s just the mask we wear to intimidate people so they won’t ask us questions. We hate showing off how smart we are.

If librarians are so smart, why do they have to go to school to be librarians?

It is true that librarians are naturally smart, but people won’t believe this unless they see the sacred master’s degree attached to their résumé.

Is it true that they’re making a sequel to The Librarian: Quest for the Spear?

Sadly, yes.

Will you watch it?

Sadly, yes.

What’s a good April Fool’s joke to play on someone who works at the library?

A fine question. To play the best joke, you really need to work at a library or know someone who does. One excellent gag is to find someone who works at the library and has a teenage daughter, pull up the daughter’s record, and reserve a half-dozen books on subjects like teen pregnancy, what to expect when you’re expecting, and a book of what to name your newborn child. When the books arrive, show them to co-workers and spread nasty rumors. At the end of the day, tell the person that their daughter’s books have arrived. Wait a day before you tell them it was a joke. If that’s too mean, here’s another good one: Most databases allow you to insert a note field in the patron’s record where you can write messages to alert other workers if a patron was rude to you, lied to you, smelled like urine, etc. The purpose of this field is to keep track of a patron who isn’t paying fines or has some sort of other repeating offense, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun with it. So, find a loyal friend who has a library card and put a note in his account that says something like, “If patron is wearing a red T-shirt and a Disney hat, he may try to kill you. If he asks you how many books he can check out, he is about to go crazy. Alert police immediately.” Give your friend a red shirt and a Disney hat, tell him to go into the library, check out a book, and ask how many books he can check out. When the police arrive, tell him it was just a joke.