First Date
JIM: I am attracted to the symmetry of your face, which suggests a proclivity toward genetic health and immunity against environmental duress, and the red hue of your lipstick simulates the appearance of increased blood circulation to your mouth, a typical sign of attraction between potential mates. This makes me feel confident and even more likely to arrange a follow-up meeting.
MARY: I see. Your straightforwardness indicates a dominant personality. This instills an idea in me that you are by nature strong and assertive, both favorable traits in a male progenitor, as a more passive male would be less likely to protect his children from hazards such as predatory megafauna, or, for a more recent example, organized religion. Oops! I accidentally knocked that wine onto your shirt sleeve. I am remorseful.
JIM: Don’t be. By observing the gentle motions of your hand dabbing the wine with a napkin, I have ascertained that you possess a nurturing demeanor, a boon for the healthy psychological growth of my theoretical offspring.
MARY: I hypothesize that you say that to all the girls.
JIM: That hypothesis is easily rendered null.
WAITER: The check, sir.
JIM: Thank you. I will pay it at once.
MARY: Hmm. While financial solvency is appealing in a romantic counterpart, I hope you do not expect sexual favors from me based on one culinary transaction.
JIM: I review your theory and discredit it instantly. We are not penguins, after all.
MARY: Is that a reference to Saul Rosen’s 1998 study, “Sexual Barter in the Animal Kingdom, Part II: Aviary," which details Adélie penguins’ use of nest-fortifying stones as currency for prostitution?
JIM: Well, I’m not citing the 2003 report by Edwards, Cohen, et al., that’s for sure.
(They stare at each other, laugh briefly, then take notes.)
Sex
MARY: Blood is circulating to the vagina at an expeditious rate. Once the organ’s self-lubrication process is concluded, it will be prepared for the insertion of the penis.
JIM: Hot.
MARY: Is the penis of a sufficient impliability conducive to said insertion?
JIM: My speculation concludes the affirmative, but further experimentation would augment our understanding of the control.
(MARY touches JIM’s penis)
MARY: I conclude the penis is erect.
(They take notes)
MARY: Are you in possession of a contraceptive?
JIM: Negative. I appear to have misplaced it. But with your permission I would like to attempt to withdraw the penis at the moment of ejaculation, thus minimizing the chance of impregnation.
MARY: But this method has only a 2:10 success ratio.
JIM: Due to the heightened combination of adrenaline and norepinephrine circulating through my brain, all logic is being overridden by an intense desire to complete the copulation process.
MARY: Understood. My subconscious longing for progeny is likewise derailing my rational perception of reality.
JIM: Then let us copulate.
MARY: Oh, baby.
Exchanging Vows
JIM: Mary, when I first met you, I was sixty-seven percent positive that you would precipitate auspicious conditions for the human bonding experience. But now, that number is easily in the low eighties.
MARY: Your words increase my heart rate substantially.
JIM: Such is the desired effect.
(They take notes)
JIM: Furthermore, I have constructed a theorem that states you will fulfill many of my primal human needs, including tactile stimulation, cognitive enhancement, and reproduction. Is my hypothesis viable?
MARY: Affirmative, Jim. You are a male specimen unlike any I have encountered. Of the fourteen males I have experimented with in order to produce exceptional results, you are the only one to generate an encouraging statistical yield.
JIM: Correct me if my data is erroneous, but I have it mentally documented that you said you had only experimented with two other male specimens before me, not fourteen.
MARY: Is that correct? To my knowledge, it was two, but I am allowing for a margin of error of 700%.
JIM: I am skeptical.
MARY: In any case, the present time and setting do not constitute optimal conditions for the current debate.
JIM: Nevertheless, the efflux of adrenaline in my veins now impels me to throw a chair.
MARY: If you throw a chair, there is a 74.8% chance of me terminating the wedding right now.
JIM: (throws a chair)
MARY: Although it was, in part, your strength, confidence, and level of testosterone that attracted me to you initially, you have demonstrated a latent instability derived from these traits. Such atavistic qualities would be inauspicious for the perpetuity of our human bonding experience, and for that I must cease our partnership.
JIM: Accepted. Truthfully, I have grown increasingly averse to this monogamous declaration. Had I subjected the Marriage Variable to sufficient lab testing until the sustainability of our model could be verified, this might have been avoided, and for that I accept partial responsibility.
Mary: It has been an edifying trial.
(JIM and MARY shake hands)
MINISTER: What the fuck?