“New year, new you,” they say. Well, Project 2025 is going to make what’s new actually really fucking old. Like listeria- and child labor-old. The country went for some Grover Cleveland shit, and you know what? We, the People, can play that game. This New Year, it’s time to roll back the clock and become the worst version of yourself.
It’s going to be so much easier than coming up with strategies for self-improvement. Those Heritage Foundation guys were kind enough to show us how, and it turns out all you really need to do is stop trying.
Toss out the Department of Education and start homeschooling your kids because, under your roof, they won’t be forced to learn about pronouns or how to read. And thinking about the benefits of immigrant labor is complicated, so we might as well assume they’re all criminals and get on board with mass deportations. Your community might suffer, but community is overrated. What’s it ever done for you?
Consumer protections? Gone. Post office? Privatized. Your life? In your own hands. Literally. The Affordable Care Act is on the chopping block. But that’s okay because you were tired of subsidizing everyone else. If they need health insurance, they should try not getting sick. If they get sick anyway, you know where they can purchase some horse tranquilizer.
The great thing about old stuff is that it endures. Family values, gender roles, asbestos. It’s all still there under the fluff of progress and enlightenment. You just have to be bold enough to exhume the corpse of simpler times and fly your MAGA flag. We’re abandoning all pretense that society and government provide tangible benefits so you can be free to pick your favorite Hobbesian adjective and return to the animal state that best suits your solitary brutishness.
You might feel guilty deprogramming the woke mind virus and stripping all sense of empathy, compassion, and civic-mindedness from your psyche, but that’s how they get you. As the name implies, this is a project. Much like cleaning out a beloved parent’s house after their passing, it’s sad they’re gone, but they kept calling you wanting to talk, and that was annoying.
Alas, you’re not getting much of an inheritance since it all went to medical debt. But you won’t have to worry about that because you and your kids will drink raw milk and colloidal silver to gain natural immunity and possibly superpowers, making you obvious candidates for the upper strata in the coming society of Übermenschen.
And if that doesn’t work out, and your personal Project 2025 is buried in the rubble of a fallen empire as the oligarchs strip it for copper? Just keep being the worst person you possibly can. The other worst people will have to acknowledge your efforts eventually.