Q: I haven’t heard anything since my final interview. Who should I contact?

A: Damn, that’s crazy. Wow.

Q: How long will it take to hear back?

A: It will take some time. (If you’re successful.)

Q: And what if I’m unsuccessful?

A: You will know if you’re unsuccessful.

Q: How?

A: You won’t be working here.

Q: Well, yes, but won’t you be telling me that I didn’t get the job?

A: Why would we do that?

Q: Wait. Have I been ghosted?

A: We prefer the term “unworthy of closure.”

Q: What? Why have I been ghosted?

A: It could be that you’re arrogant. It could be that you’re humble. It could be that you’re too boisterous or too quiet. It could be you didn’t ask enough questions or you asked too many. It could be because you brought up working from home too soon. Or too late. It could be your overall personality and dislikability. It could be because you’re obviously pregnant. Ultimately, it’s because you don’t deserve this job, skills-wise or as a human being.

Q: Was there anything I could’ve done?

A: No. But also yes.

Q: That’s confusing. Could you please explain?

A: You could’ve been an overall better and more deserving person, although not too much better.

Q: That doesn’t help with my confusion. What do you mean “not too much better”?

A: If you met all the requirements, were totally qualified for the role, and would be a top performer almost immediately, you’d threaten the hiring manager’s ego. Try to have a bit of compassion, would you? (This might be why you’re not getting the job.)

Q: Was it something to do with my salary expectations?

A: We don’t usually offer employment to people who require a market-rate salary.

Q: I just… isn’t it common human decency to let someone know if they got the job or not? I spent a lot of time and effort in this process; haven’t I got the right to some sort of closure?

A: A company doesn’t ghost you and then expect you to show up and do the job, do they? They ghost you because you didn’t get the job. (Again, because you’re undeserving.) That should be closure enough.

Q: I can’t help but think it’s a bit rude. What about feedback on improving for any future interviews?

A: We gave you clear feedback: Be (a [little] bit) better (but not too much).

Q: That’s very nonspecific. Isn’t there anything at all you could help me with?

A: [Candidate is becoming needy. Classic anxious-attachment style. Not a culture fit.]

Q: Hello?

A: