Right now, you’re behind me, within reading distance on the freeway, at the stoplight, in the parking lot, maybe in the drive-thru line, or perhaps in my very own driveway (anywhere but a gas station, really), and I know what you’re thinking. But before you form another thought, you’re going to want to keep reading this five-hundred-word bumper sticker on my Tesla so you can fully understand why I am not a bad person.
First, you must know that I got this car before Elon went evil billionaire. I recognize that its being a 2023 Tesla Model S does complicate that message, but you must also know that the only thing I hate more than what he’s doing to the American people is me being perceived as the bad guy.
Before the last few months, Musk was only mean toward some people, and I hope you can understand that I and most people in my social circles were not among them. So when that suddenly changed for me this year, I was just as outraged as any of you, as evidenced by this five-hundred-word bumper sticker prominently placed on my Tesla.
You can’t really expect anyone to be a fortune teller in these situations, right? When you’re in the market for a car that will get you from point A to point B with incredible speed and low operating costs, and the guy who has essentially made himself the brand of that car is known for mistreating people, spreading false information, and having weird ideas about free speech and populating the human race, how could you possibly predict that someday he will say and do those same things a lot louder and more often? If I had that superpower of foresight, what I wouldn’t have is this bumper sticker on a Tesla that I still own.
Trust me, I feel the sting of every single disapproving glare like a thousand needles. My soul trembles and withers. It is an unbearable burden. Not more unbearable than the money I would lose if I got rid of this car to materially rebuke a man I believe is evil, but it’s still pretty unbearable. If you think this printed explanation looks like it’s overwhelming the rear of my car, just know it’s only the tip of the iceberg of the immense weight I carry every time I get behind the wheel.
Does it help to know that I always return my shopping cart to the designated area? What about the fact that I’ve never been to a Chick-fil-A?Or that I commissioned this bumper sticker from the Etsy shop of a woman who was fired from the EPA?
Contrary to what a first glance at my Tesla might suggest, I care deeply about the innocent people suffering at the hands of this one particular billionaire, which I believe also includes me. So sporting a bumper sticker clarifying that none of it is my fault is the least I can do to help.