How should I prepare for my first mammogram?
On the day of your exam, don’t apply deodorant or scented lotions. Also, be sure to remove any nipple piercings, nursing children, and/or tiny nipple top hats.
Will I need to arrive early to fill out paperwork?
Yes. We have efficiently limited the pre-procedure paperwork to a short eleven pages by reducing the print to size-seven font. Feel free to grab a pair of readers from the lost-and-found box. Also, be prepared to detail your entire family’s medical history, including your great-aunt Cornelia’s cup size and nipple circumference to the closest quarter inch.
I assume you will then enter all the information into my chart?
The paperwork is purely performative, and we will shred it immediately after you hand it to us. Be prepared to answer all of these questions again. And again. And again.
What should I wear on the day of my mammogram?
We recommend you wear pants or a skirt. Our mammogram tech, Linda, will instruct you to undress from the waist up and provide you with a “cape” made out of a pink tablecloth as part of a nontraditional materials challenge on the first season of Project Runway. If you forget and wear a dress, you can pretend you are a superhero as you fly down the hallway in your underwear and shoes with your cape flying behind you.
What is the procedure itself like?
First, Linda will position your arms so that you warmly embrace the mammography unit’s cold metal frame as if it were a long-lost lover. Next, she will maneuver every bit of your breast tissue between two plastic imaging plates using a mix of clinical detachment and the hand grip of a sixteen-year-old boy who has finally reached second base. Interesting fact: Your breast tissue actually extends all the way up to your underarm. So, in order to position the breast correctly, Linda may need to briefly dislocate your shoulder.
But will my breast get smashed? I’ve heard a lot about the smashing.
Oh, absolutely. Once your breast is in place, Linda will crank a giant wooden wheel that compresses the plates tighter and tighter until you begin to worry that your nipple might pop right off. Don’t be alarmed; this rarely happens. While the imaging is in process, you must hold your breath for upward of thirty seconds. Absolutely do not allow your spirit to leave your body and gaze down at the scene below: a table cloth slipping down your back, one boob hanging free, one smashed like a burger in a George Foreman grill while you make silent love to a machine.
Why exactly does the breast need to be compressed?
Why does a George Foreman grill make such a delicious burger? Sometimes, smashing things just makes them better.
Are there any risks from getting a mammogram?
A little-known fact is that after ten or more mammograms, there is a 50 percent chance that your nipples will develop laser pointer technology—which will come in pretty handy when you’re giving a presentation or playing with your cats.
How long will the full procedure take?
The entire procedure will take about thirty minutes out of your day and lift approximately five tons of anxiety off your shoulders, making you wonder why you put this off for so long. As you leave the clinic, the staff will celebrate your accomplishment by throwing Mardi Gras beads and confetti made from your shredded intake paperwork.
After I get my mammogram, when will I need to schedule another one?
Don’t worry, we’ll send you a reminder when it’s time to schedule! But generally, mammograms should be performed every twelve months, or just enough time for you to always feel like, “Didn’t I just do this?”