[ANTHONY WEINER sits at home, bored.]
ANTHONY WEINER
I was an early bloomer
I started with Chuck Schumer
As his protégée
That’s my resume.
[ANTHONY WEINER goes to the window, still bored, and sings.]
ANTHONY WEINER
So many nights I feel nervous
This life I’ve led of public service
Has left me feeling dull and out of sorts
I’ve read some books. I’ve watched some sports
But evening drags. The sun’s long set
Should I just go to sleep? Not yet.
[ANTHONY WEINER, pacing his apartment, spies a computer. Evidently he has not seen one before.]
ANTHONY WEINER
What is this box with wires and screen,
This intoxicating machine?
I will sit down and touch a key
Oh, listen how it speaks to me.
[ANTHONY WEINER begins to use the computer. Soon he can do nothing else.]
ANTHONY WEINER
I once watched sports and also read
But in those days my brain was dead
Now it’s alive and so am I
Across the wired world I fly
I click, I blog, I surf, I tweet
My life, once partial, is now complete.
[ANTHONY WEINER begins to meet women online.]
ANTHONY WEINER
In our many cybermeetings
We have had great conversations
There is something intimate
About these wired communications.
FEMALE SCREEN NAME #1
I agree completely,
Total stranger.
We can talk without
A hint of danger.
ANTHONY WEINER
I have a wife
In real life
But somehow I feel closer still
To distant places
And unseen faces
You inspire in me a deep goodwill.
FEMALE SCREEN NAME #2
Me, too. I know just what you mean.
You can tell me anything onscreen.
[ANTHONY WEINER’S wife, HUMA ABEDIN, grows briefly suspicious.]
HUMA ABEDIN
Hey, what’s going on in here?
I hope nothing degrading.
ANTHONY WEINER
Don’t be suspicious, dear
Only some day trading.
[The online conversations begin to turn flirtatious.]
ANTHONY WEINER
The way you make me feel, you know
Is making my trust grow and grow.
FEMALE SCREEN NAME #3
I hope you don’t just mean your trust
I rubbed the keyboard on my bust.
ANTHONY WEINER
Can I call you on the phone?
Can we have a kind of date?
FEMALE SCREEN NAME #4
The prospect of your voice, you know
Makes my pulse accelerate.
ANTHONY WEINER
I took my shoes off, and my shirt.
FEMALE SCREEN NAME #5
The thought of that just drenched my skirt.
[ANTHONY WEINER, taken by the charms of the FEMALE SCREEN NAMES #1-5, considers sending explicit photographs.]
ANTHONY WEINER
I have been struggling as of late
Deciding if it’s right or wrong
To use these social network sites
To send a picture of your schlong.
[His TINY CONSCIENCE speaks up.]
ANTHONY WEINER’S TINY CONSCIENCE
What the hell?
Are you kidding, man?
That’s your question?
That’s your plan?
ANTHONY WEINER
Well, not even the schlong exposed!
But inside boxer briefs and posed
To look much larger than it is
So gasping, they’ll say “Is that his?”
ANTHONY WEINER’S TINY CONSCIENCE
Holy crap,
You’re serious?
I feel such a
Weariness.
ANTHONY WEINER
Look, I’ve thought the matter through
And this is what I’ll say to you:
I’m a firebrand in the Congress
I know the right wing’s dirty tricks
I work with great determination
To kick against the pricks
So it’s noteworthy that I can’t think
Of a reason not to tweet my dink.
ANTHONY WEINER’S TINY CONSCIENCE
I don’t know quite how to respond.
My only recourse is to shrink.
[ANTHONY WEINER’S TINY CONSCIENCE leaves. ANTHONY WEINER takes a picture of himself, erect, in underwear. He intends to send it privately but accidentally posts it online. The image is captured by bloggers and ANTHONY WEINER is asked about it.]
ANTHONY WEINER
I sent nothing
Stop this chatter
This isn’t an
Important matter
I’m a rising legislative star
How stupid do you think I are?
[After refusing to flatly deny that he is the man pictured, ANTHONY WEINER calls a press conference where he admits his guilt.]
ANTHONY WEINER
What I did was wrong, if not quite a crime.
I didn’t think things through at all
My behavior truly was horrendous
My arrogance and nerve stupendous
But I won’t resign at the present time
I will let that be the voters’ call.
[REPORTERS begin to ask questions.]
REPORTER #1
Will you be shutting down your Twitter?
REPORTER #2
Are you sure the women were of age?
REPORTER #3
Why isn’t your wife by your side?
REPORTER #4
Why’d you let Breitbart take the stage?
REPORTER #5
Do you think the photo of your chest
Really shows off your body best?
[ANTHONY WEINER answers the questions patiently, sometimes showing emotion. On his way out, he is cornered by a gang. As they emerge from the shadows, he sees that they are MARK SANFORD, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, ELIOT SPITZER, JIM MCGREEVEY, and LARRY CRAIG.]
MARK SANFORD
For years and years I ruled over
The great state of South Carolina
But then I lost my kingdom for
A South American vagina.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
When the maid came in
To clean the room
I said “I’ll be back—
Inside your womb.”
ELIOT SPITZER
In the days I was client nine
I had a massive credit line
A call girl is a man’s best friend
Except, of course, for CNN.
JIM MCGREEVEY
I tried to change the state song
To “Macho Man” or “In the Navy”
I served the public well and also
Served up some McGreevey Gravy.
ANTHONY WEINER
You are all quite well-known cases
Of elected, then dishonored males
Have you come before me now as
Chastened cautionary tales?
[The others look around, confused.]
ELIOT SPITZER
No—the reason we’ve materialized
Is to tell you that we’re all surprised.
JIM MCGREEVEY
Surprised and also disappointed
Our secret brotherhood anointed
You to be our true successor
But your offense is sadly lesser.
[JIM MCGREEVEY moves to hit ANTHONY WEINER. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER stops him.]
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Wait. How many kids did you put in her?
ANTHONY WEINER
We didn’t have sex.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
What? Are you sure?
Why would you risk career and home
Without spraying your baby foam?
[ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER shoves ANTHONY WEINER, after which LARRY CRAIG delivers a series of kicks.]
LARRY CRAIG
I lost it all in a bathroom stall
My life went down the toilet quick
A picture of your underwear?
You amateur: you make me sick
Stop squirming, Weiner. Just stay put.
That pain you feel is my tapping foot.
[ANTHONY WEINER closes his eyes and lets himself be beaten. Suddenly, the violence stops. He opens his eyes. The men are gone. He stands and looks around. He sees only his TINY CONSCIENCE.]
ANTHONY WEINER
Hi there, conscience. Welcome back.
Thanks for stopping the attack.
That Larry Craig has a short fuse.
ANTHONY WEINER’S TINY CONSCIENCE
I’m sad to say I have bad news.
While you were taking pictures in your tighty-whities
I went up to heaven and spoke to the Almighty.
[THE ALMIGHTY steps out from behind ANTHONY WEINER’S TINY CONSCIENCE. He looks angry.]
THE ALMIGHTY
Since you sent an image of your rod
I’ve been feeling kind of odd
You were a jackass, let’s be clear
But you’re not the only problem here
Those who censured you are almost as bad
Opportunists, scolds, they all make me mad
Plus, the Twitter that and the follow this
Something fundamental is amiss
The human race was my first begotten
But now the whole shebang’s gone rotten.
ANTHONY WEINER
I said I was sorry
I even got teary
Doesn’t that punch
A hole in your theory?
[THE ALMIGHTY ignores ANTHONY WEINER.]
THE ALMIGHTY
I’ve thought it through and I’m pretty certain
That it’s time to bring down the final curtain
Remember back when I made the flood?
This will be like that, but with flames and blood.
Every ocean, boiled. Every city, rubbled.
Til my peaceful rest is no longer troubled.
HAROLD CAMPING
We’re out of time. We’re out of jokes.
I told you. Th-Th-That’s all folks.