FULL DISCLOSURE: I normally don’t speak about products in such glowing terms. In fact, I am naturally reticent to speak about anything. I live alone, and rarely leave the house unless it is to do a commercial. That should tell you how much I personally love the TurkeyScaler: I overcame my own hesitancy to use exclamation points and hyperbolic language to describe it. It’s just that good.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m not actually as quiet as I previously claimed. The only conversation I’m unlikely to join is one about pregnancy, because of awkward comments I’ve made in the past. However, the TurkeyScaler really is an amazing product. I know, from the bottom of my heart, that you will love using it and talking about it with all of your friends.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I’ve never known true love, which is why I can safely say that I love the TurkeyScaler in a way that I have felt for neither woman nor gadget. It is truly an amazing, revolutionary device. It will change your life.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I invented the TurkeyScaler.
FULL DISCLOSURE: The TurkeyScaler does not work as quickly as the commercial would lead you to believe. The commercial was showing the hypothetical minimum time possible, given a number of simplifying factors (a universe with no friction, the tiniest turkey theoretically possible, et cetera) and an adept TurkeyScaler wielder. The shots of the audience’s amazed reactions are mostly there to give the editor a point to cut ahead in time.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I am the owner of TurkeyScaler Enterprises, the makers of the TurkeyScaler. Referring to me as “John, satisfied customer from Bethesda, MD” is true, but a little misleading. Only my grandmother calls me John, which is the name I chose for myself, and quickly grew out of, when I was six. I am indeed a satisfied customer, but not of any of the items featured in the commercial. The only possible exception is the tie that I was wearing, which I bought a couple years ago. I like the pattern because it is vaguely floral without being, you know, girly.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I have talked to many of your friends and coworkers, and they complained to me about the ineptitude of your dinner parties. The words “turkey grime” came up several times in conversation, as did the fact that you should buy a TurkeyScaler.
FULL DISCLOSURE: In all conversations with your friends and coworkers, I was the one who mentioned “turkey grime” and your possible purchase of a TurkeyScaler. Your friends and coworkers mostly had nice, if vague, things to say about you. Many of them were standoffish, perhaps because I failed to properly introduce myself or indicate why I was asking about you.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I am standing behind you right now. Don’t look. If you do, we will likely have an awkward, unpleasant conversation. I will try to turn your surprise at my sudden appearance into a sale of a TurkeyScaler. You will stammer out questions, likely a variation on “What are you doing here?” to which I will answer: “Not enjoying a skin-free turkey, that’s for sure!”
FULL DISCLOSURE: I am stealing your wallet as you read this. You will receive a TurkeyScaler in six to eight weeks.