Dear Star Bank Customer,
We’re writing to let you know that the Star Bank online portal is down today. You won’t be able to log in or access your money. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Please don’t call or stop by the bank in person. It’s a mess right now.
Sincerely,
Star Bank
“Treating your money like a star since 2005.”
Dear Star Bank Customer,
This is Gordon Star, CEO of Star Bank.
The previous email generated some confusion. I do apologize.
I’ll be direct. There’s been an issue with our banking servers, and your account records were compromised. We’re furiously trying to restore your account as I type this.
I want to be clear: We still have all of your money. We just don’t know how much money you have, if that makes sense.
Isn’t it wild that money is just ones and zeros on a server, and if you erase the ones and zeros, then you don’t know whose money is whose? I’m the CEO of a bank, and even I think that’s bonkers.
We’re working on this. You have my word.
Gordon Star,
Star Bank CEO
“Dedication is one part inspiration and one part perspiration.” —Mahatma Gandhi
Dear Star Bank Community,
I’ve received many emails saying I’ve only muddied the waters. I will be CRYSTAL CLEAR with you. It’s not like we keep your money in some giant vault of cash that you can swim through like Scrooge McDuck. That’s not how banks work anymore.
Money is electronic now. You buy a panini at Panera Bread and pay with your Star Bank Visa debit card (“More Rewards, Less Hassle!”), and some bits move around the internet. That’s the modern economy.
Well, during some routine maintenance, our database engineer accidentally typed a “RESET DATABASE” command instead of “REST DATABASE.” Man, if I could find the inventor of that database language, I’d love to ask him why in the hell he made those commands so similar!
You might wonder: Don’t we have server backups? Yes, of course. Our backup servers are in Sweden, and the server building got hit by a freak solar flare three days ago. Literally wiped out. All data gone! :-(
What about paper backups? Up until 2021, we had an employee who wrote down the account totals each night. His name was “Jerry,” and we called him “Jerr-Bear” because he was obsessed with bears. He recorded the account totals in a high-quality binder that we keep on a secure shelf.
Unfortunately, Jerr-Bear died during COVID—unrelated to COVID, he was just really old. We never got around to replacing Jerr-Bear, because the binder thing felt anachronistic. Also, Jerr-Bear was so lovable and quirky, and his nickname rhymed so well, and we didn’t feel like he was replaceable.
Long story short, we don’t know how much money you have.
Please reply to this email with your legal name, birthdate, Social Security number, and how much money you had at Star Bank the last time you logged on. If you’re not sure, approximate it. Please be honest!
Gordon Star,
Star Bank CEO
“When it is darkest, we can see the stars.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Star Bank Community,
I have received your replies. According to 96 percent of you, you’re multimillionaires.
I am so disappointed that you have lied to me. I have decided that we will go blank slate. All Star Bank customers now have $3,000.
Access your account by CLICKING HERE.
Thank you.
Gordon Star,
Star Bank CEO
“Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.” —Theodore Roosevelt
Dear Star Bank Customer,
Over the past week, bad actors perpetrated a phishing attack against our members. These hackers impersonated our CEO, Gordon Star, and sent inauthentic emails that stoked panic.
To be clear, solar anomalies rarely affect banks, and we will never ask for your account information over an email.
Also, our slogan is “Banking that reaches the stars,” not “Treating your money like a star since 2005.”
You can always access your account by typing our official URL directly into your browser: www.GoStarBank.portal47.ro
Thank you,
Star Bank Digital Security Team
Dear Star Bankers,
This is the REAL Gordon Star, CEO of Star Bank. Yesterday, you received an unauthorized email from the “Star Bank Digital Security Team.” Please ignore that dangerous email. Our actual security team is called “Star Guardians.”
Unfortunately, I got a LOT of pushback recently from the board of directors, and they removed me as CEO. What they don’t know is that I have secured Jerr-Bear’s old binder, and only I control it.
Star Bank is now LoneStar Bank, a cash-only institution with old-fashioned values. I promise to do whatever it takes to restore your true account totals and prove to you that money is real.
Starting tonight, I will personally register all members for secure cash savings and checking accounts. I encourage you to meet me in person, at our new brick-and-mortar location on Hanover Street, right next to the old stone quarry.
Please bring a security deposit of at least $100 in twenties. We also accept jewelry and watches. I’m 6’2” with light brown hair, quite handsome, and I’ll be out front, holding two giant sacks with dollar signs on them. Can’t miss me.
Gordon Star,
CEO, LoneStar Bank
“Cash rules everything around me.” —Wu-Tang Clan