Oh no, it’s horrible that Kate is out there on the ledge. She has so much to live for — I’ve been slacking, but I did intend to send her a promotion and a boyfriend and a dog and a new season of Nathan For You. How can I, the universe, let her know that she needs to not jump? A rainbow should do the trick! Yes, by the time she tried and failed to Instagram it, the police had arrived and she was escorted down. Life saved.
Mark absolutely needs to quit his job TODAY! I actually promised this girl in Syracuse his position, so I need to clear out some space. Here’s a thought — maybe if I have four different people mention Tahiti to Mark, he’ll know I’m sending him a sign. Not to take a vacation (I’d have to send a sign to his parents to wire him $4,000), but just to, like, live differently. Mark’s a smart guy. He’ll take the hint and leave without giving his two weeks notice.
Hm, it’s time for Becky to find love. Today I’m going to have her miss her train by a few seconds. She’ll curse me as she runs to the closing doors, but then, after she serves her penance by waiting two minutes for the next L train, I’ll put that cute boy from her freshman poetry seminar in the same car. Hopefully, she’ll understand that this is me, the universe, telling her he’s the one.
I’m sending a gust of wind to knock over two cups in Derek’s apartment. I’m praying he’ll know that this means it’s time to evict his roommate Jeremy. Derek has never liked Jeremy anyway, and he’s been looking for ways to get rid of him. The cups will break, and Derek will blame it on Jeremy’s subconscious negative energy. Of course, they were Jeremy’s cups to begin with and Derek has been using them as ashtrays, but still, a sign’s a sign.
Trisha really should not exercise this morning. If she does, death will befall her entire family. How do I let her know that this morning she absolutely must skip the gym? I know — I’ll send a very light drizzle of rain lasting no more than seven minutes. That’ll keep her in bed!
Eric has to ghost his one-night stand. She has herpes, and he narrowly avoided it the first time. I’ll just set the first song on his iTunes shuffle to be his love song with his ex-girlfriend so he’ll be too emotional to text another girl. “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” has worked wonders before, and it’ll do it again!
Elizabeth just needs to buy this $400 bag. Sure, she’ll only use it twice before she accidentally leaves it on the train, but I promised Coach I’d give them one more sale by the end of the week. I know — as the Universe, I probably shouldn’t accept corporate bribes, but I just loved the shoes they sent me! Ok, I’m going to fly a raven across Elizabeth’s path. A raven in New York City? She’d be an idiot to not take this hint.
Dammit, Becky needs to break up with Steve, the man from the train. It’s my bad — I fucked up. I thought Steve was the one for Becky, but when I check my records, I actually need Becky to be alone forever. Steve belongs with Katie, who he’ll meet on an L train tomorrow. I don’t want Becky to get dumped, though, so I’ll send her a sign to break up with him first. Hm, maybe I’ll remind her that her high school boyfriend is newly single. Dammit, he’s engaged. Well, I’m sorry to do this, but it’s time for his fiancée to find out about his infidelity. Relationship status updated. Don’t blame me, I’m just the universe!
It’s critical that Ryan presses snooze this morning. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I actually can sort out the whole Israeli-Palestinian conflict if only Ryan stays in bed five more minutes. But how can I send him a sign when he’s asleep? I guess I’ll have to rely on the very unreliable “vague energy flow.” Great news! Ryan felt the flow, and he pressed snooze! He will be late to his nephew’s baptism, but we all have to make sacrifices.