My love, I know I promised I’d walk five hundred miles just to be the man that falls down at your door. But I’ve been thinking it through and, well, I’m wondering if there isn’t perhaps an alternative way to demonstrate my worthiness?

Take a look at this map. If I started walking here in Auchtermuchty, why, five hundred miles takes me out of Scotland, right through Brighton, and into the English Channel! Surely you wouldn’t want me to…

No, you’re right. I could find a route that wasn’t so direct… I could potentially use small roads along the M90… then to M8… it appears that I would eventually reach A74 where I could cross into the UK and make my way towards… hang on, you’re missing the point. I was just using five hundred miles as symbolism. It’s like when someone promises the moon and the stars, which obviously can’t literally be delivered…

Yes, I see the difference.

Yes, one literally can walk five hundred miles.

Well, I guess once I reach Bristol, I would take a right near the A403 and follow that along to… Wait, this is ridiculous. We use kilometers here. How was I supposed to know where five hundred miles would take me?

Yes, yes! I absolutely remain committed to the other promises I gave to you. The waking up and going out next to you… the drinking, the havering…

Yes, all those things can be yours. All I ask for is leniency in that one little promise.

… No, we left off at Bristol…

Well, I imagine I’ll want to stay north, just to avoid the rains in Plymouth. I would veer right near Sampford Peverell and follow A361 through Barnstaple until it becomes A39. But I wonder, are all these details required in order for you to understand the kind of man I am?

… If you must know, I would take the exit right here at the Blackberry, Bramblewood, and Briar Patch Cottages and continue on until I reached The Preston Gate Inn in Poughill. That’s exactly five hundred miles away. Perhaps you can meet me there. We can even make a weekend of it. What do you say?

Yes, no, your memory is unassailable. I did indeed mention a willingness to walk five hundred more, but I beseech you… There is simply not enough land to walk a thousand miles.

You’re right. I could just reverse my route and return here to Auchtermuchty.

No, that’s fine. I’m a man of my word. I guess then I’ll be seeing you in… approximately 332 hours.

Yes, I can pick up some bread.

I remember…

Wheat.