If Billionaires Are “Immoral” and “Shouldn’t Exist,” Then Why Do I Want to Be One So Bad?

It’s a tale as old as time. Democrats propose some pie-in-the-sky bill that involves a ton of government spending, and then, when you ask them how they’re going to pay for it, they say they’ll just raise taxes on billionaires because “billionaires shouldn’t exist.” That’s ridiculous. If being a billionaire is immoral, then how come I want to be one so bad?

Here’s the simple economic fact these bleeding-heart socialists can’t refute: Being a billionaire would be awesome, and I want to be one. Like, really bad! Sorry you don’t understand logic.

People who insist that one person amassing so much wealth creates unacceptable levels of inequality are overlooking how much fun it would be for me to have that much wealth. If I had a billion dollars, I could buy a huge mansion and eat at super fancy restaurants for all three meals every single day. Try taking a math class if that’s too complicated for you.

Some wise guys will try to walk you through a convoluted thought experiment about the difference between a million and a billion by saying that a million seconds is twelve days, while a billion seconds is thirty-one years. You can put the calculator away, Professor — I know a billion is bigger. That’s why it’s how many dollars I want.

Who cares if billionaires could end poverty and still be rich? That isn’t their responsibility. They’re rich — they don’t have any responsibilities. Except maybe lounging by a pool somewhere, sipping on an elaborate cocktail their personal bartender made them.

But please, enlighten me on the nonsensical way you think the world works.

Look, I’m no psychologist, but I think liberals might just be bitter that they don’t have the grit and business acumen to become billionaires themselves. I don’t either, but at least I’m inexplicably convinced that maybe I actually do, deep down, somewhere.

And really, isn’t that what this country is all about? The American Dream is supposed to mean that with enough hard work, anyone can strike it rich. Billionaires are the embodiment of that dream! Pretty much the only proof that the dream is real, really, considering how many people do a ton of hard work and don’t end up rich. Are we really going to punish billionaires for simply enjoying the fruits of their labor, dumb luck, family connections, greed, and willingness to exploit others?

Think about it this way if it’s easier for your NPR-addled brain: Capitalism is a system designed to reward people who create value, and that system is working. The only reason billionaires have so much money is because they provide a vital public service: hoodwinking well-intentioned optimists like me into believing getting rich on my own is a legitimate possibility.

Sure, a good deal of billionaire wealth is inherited rather than earned. But that argument still doesn’t account for how desperately I wish I had enough money to live in luxury for a hundred lifetimes. Maybe try doing a little more homework next time before you start suggesting stuff like this.

This isn’t to say I can’t see the appeal of these big, social safety net types of ideas. I certainly could have used something like Medicare For All when I broke my leg in that bike accident. But in the hypothetical future where I have billions of dollars, I wouldn’t want the government forcing future me to take care of poor losers like present-day me.

But I guess if I’m being really honest with myself, I probably don’t need to be a billionaire. I’d happily settle for just being friends with the cool ones that already exist. Eating sushi with Elon, going on a cruise with Bill, catching a Dodgers game with The Bez… Raising taxes on these guys would make our future hangouts significantly less epic. It just goes to show you that billionaires aren’t necessarily hoarding wealth for themselves. They’re choosing to share it with the less fortunate: me. Or at least, that’s how I imagine it when I’m fantasizing on the train between jobs.

Ultimately, if progressives are so obsessed with helping the working class, of which I am apparently technically a member, for now, they shouldn’t sit in their ivory tower and shame us for our simple human desire to be unfathomably wealthy. Instead, they should put their money where their mouth is and contribute to my GoFundMe. Once I pay off my hospital bills, I can start investing in crypto, and it’ll be smooth sailing from there.

Checkmate.