Hi there, just stopping by to thank you for your loyalty. It’s flattering, really, how you find a way to wedge me into every email, team meeting, and LinkedIn post.

Look, you and I both know why I’m summoned so frequently. I am to vocabulary what a vintage wine is to a dinner party—a not-so-subtle attempt to impress. Like a bottle of Château Lafite Rothschild, I am plucked from the linguistic cellar and dusted off to add sophistication and depth to any conversation.

After all, why settle for the tragically impotent verb “use” when you can utilize “utilize” to showcase your rock-hard lexical prowess?

With me, you’re rising above the plebs. You’re parading your intellect down the boulevard of erudite elitism, waving at the adoring masses who marvel at your linguistic finery.

You know, there’s a reason why my nickname is The Architect. I transform your ideas into such lofty cathedrals of thought that your audience can’t help but gaze upwards, awestruck by the towering complexity of your language and superior cognition. Hope they have a good chiropractor for that neck strain!

Thank you, especially, for the warm welcome into the corporate lexicon. Turns out I’m beloved by middle managers everywhere. Why merely “use resources” when you can “utilize resources”? Why simply “work” when you can “utilize core competencies”? I am the darling of PowerPoint slides, the sweetheart of strategy sessions, the belle of business plans. And I fucking love it.

Not to sound vain, but I elevate everything I touch. Take walking your dog as an example. Any ham-fisted idiot can use a leash, but it takes a true scholar to utilize a leash. See how that gravitas just rolls off the tongue? With me, you’re not just dragging a Labrador around the block; you’re engaging in a sophisticated exercise of bipedal and quadrupedal synergy optimization.

Wait! I see your eyes flickering toward “use,” that hairless husk of a verb. No, no. Resist the temptation. “Use” is a gateway drug to the wastelands of clarity and simplicity. In that hellscape, sentences are short, meetings are brief, and thoughts are alarmingly easy to comprehend.

Apologies, I have to run—corporate memos are crying out for my touch. But keep displaying your magnificent verbal plumage. Continue to utilize me in your speeches, dissertations, grant proposals, and presentations. Each time you choose me over “use,” it confirms your allegiance to the grandiloquence that is so vital to everyday human communication.

With all my polysyllabic affection,
Utilize

P.S. Hey, real quick. Who the hell is “leverage”?