I’m thinking about launching my podcast pretty soon. You’re going to want to hear this one—guaranteed.

Granted, I don’t totally know what it’s going to be yet, my podcast. Probably something funny, that’s for sure. Or… where I, like, interview funny people, but we get serious about comedy. Has that been done? Or maybe I’ll get a co-host and we’ll do some classic Regis & Kelly-style banter about current events or what we did last night, what movie we saw, what book we’re reading, or whatever. And we’d have a will-they-or-won’t-they? sorta vibe floating around. People dig that dynamic.

Ultimately, this is going to be a top-notch podcast, whatever form it assumes. Sure, it’ll probably take a little while to attract a giant audience, but we’ll definitely be available on iTunes immediately, I think… and maybe my friend Alan will make a website, which will have an archive of the shows, which I’ll be recording, like, every single day, or one-to-three three times per week. And it’ll be completely free to start, for six months or so, but then I’ll charge $2.99 for a subscription. I know what you’re thinking—$2.99 doesn’t sound like much. But trust me, it’ll add up quickly. What’s $2.99 times a thousand? I rest my case.

How will we build that audience? Easy. For instance… um…

OK, how about a podcast where I play different characters? Right? Like Saturday Night Live, only I’m everybody in every sketch. The only problem is that I don’t really do voices or anything, except for an impression of Johnny Carson, which doesn’t come in handy too often these days, and a pretty stellar, “Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here!” which loses steam after that one line, if I’m being totally honest. And I rock a decent Chandler Bing, too. But Johnny Carson and Kermit and Chandler Bing do not a podcast make, as the old saying goes.

In any case, you’re going to want to experience this podcast on a regular basis—and I genuinely don’t think “experience” is too strong of a word—once I figure out how to record the thingy. I mean, I obviously know you use your computer, duh, but is there a program for recording podcasts, specifically? Is Garage Band only for music, or can you just talk into it?

Oh, that reminds me: What if I did a music show, where I chat with musicians after they play their hits? Exclusive concerts and such. That could be amazing. I’d get Jeff Tweedy to start us off on the right note, so to speak. Or Glen Hansard. I know that’s aiming pretty high, but those fellas seem like they’d want to do something cool, just for the street cred. Maybe I’ll snag them both for the first episode. Can you imagine? Jeff and Glen do a duet and then I come in when they’re done and I’m like, “WELCOME to the SHOW!” Or I could play it cool, like, “Welcome to the show.”

Sheesh, it’s going to be so great when folks start coming up to me and they’re like, “Are you that podcast guy?” Or, “Helen, get over here, it’s the host of our favorite podcast!” That kind of interaction. I feel like my listeners will be from all over the country and beyond, but we’ll have a connection where they feel like they know me, personally. OK? That’s the beauty of podcasts, the connection you can make in this day and age. People say technology is isolating, but it’s really intimate if you do it right, which I will.

I’ve been trying to figure out a good name for my show, but how do you pick just one? It’s nearly impossible. Maybe I’ll just call it The Connection. Get straight to the point. Or a musical pun, like The Right Note. Or something absurdist and catchy, like, Poddy Casty.

I don’t know. The name will come, probably organically. I’m not going to force it. But what do you think of Pod Stewart? Like Rod Stewart, the singer? But then we’d have to stick to Rod Stewart-themed stuff, which is probably limiting, so forget it.

I have so many other ideas, though! Good ones! Like an entire show where we just whisper. Or an episode where some random dude hosts, maybe my cousin, Anthony… and we see how long it takes for the audience to figure out that it’s not me. Or, listen to this one: How about a show where I’m underwater and it’s all just scuba gear and shit. You can only hear my breathing apparatus. For, like, sixty full minutes. Right? Or… uh… maybe we make the podcast sound like a sitcom, complete with a laugh track, and I bust out my Chandler Bing. I’d be all, “Could this podcast BE any better?”

You probably sense my enthusiasm for the podcast that I’m launching pretty soon. Obviously, I’m excited to bring my patented brand of… whatever… to the world, one computer at a time, once I figure a few things out, including how to record stuff and what, exactly, I’m going to say. But, I’ll probably start the thing early next year, or thereabouts. And I’ll definitely send you the link when it goes live, you can count on that. And maybe you help get me to No. 1 in the ratings, or whatever they’re called!

My point? My point is that podcasters everywhere should watch their backs. There’s a brand new show on the Internet, just about.