Intelligent Design Lacked Adequate Peer Review

LET THERE BE women. And let it come to pass that blood shall flow from their loins for a length of many days. Let tides of great despair wash their hearts, so that when the life-force of blood leaves the body, acid sorrow may course in its place. And let this happen like once a month, for decades.

- “Nice.”

- “Love the intelligence of it.”

- “Excellent work!”

LET THERE BE hunger. Let food be a struggle to wrest from the land. Let there be shame around food, and much doubt, but let it be what births and nourishes them. Let food, then, be as their family.

- “I don’t… I don’t exactly see where you’re going but I trust your vision!”

LET THERE BE a time for the body to rest and the brain to light up and cast mad shadows on the walls within. Let visions and terrors run through the still body where it lies. Form these wraiths from memory and fear and all that was seen but unnoticed. Bring the periphery forth, hurl it against the dark-watch eyes, make chaos real, let them live what is unlivable until they wake again. Let this cycle happen… Oh, every day, probably.

- “Honestly I think we should call this ‘brilliant’ design.”

LET THERE BE sexual congress. Here, I’ll draw it for you.

- “…”

- “Hmm.”

- “If you say so, sure, definitely!”

LET THERE BE stress. Let the body respond to stress as it does to injury and infection. Let stress be a vulture that pecks at the mind and devours the body. This will make people less likely to be stressed. When they see stress wreak wrath upon the body, they will surely calm down a lot.

- “This is really great stuff.”

- “Inspired.”

Oh, and make it also that calmness alone does not soothe the ravages of stress. So there is always this little reminder, like a flesh Post-it, not to get too stressed.

LET THERE BE apes. And let the apes be of a separate nature from the humans.

- “You mean the baldpelt apes?”

We are not calling them that anymore. Just ‘humans.’ Let me be clear, the apes are a red herring.

- “Okay.”

Also let there be herring.

- “Sure thing. And those are—red?”

No.

LET THERE BE small bugs that nest where the human sleeps. Let them feed off the blood of the human as she rests. Let the human’s flesh be numb to the bite and suck of the fangs. Let the bite raise welts of fire that harrow the human for days and weeks; let the points of ten million daggers dance just beneath the skin.

- “We will so let it.”

And should she seek another resting place, the bug and its brood will follow, unless the human perform a sacrifice of all her possessions.

- “Sick-ass design right there.”

LET THERE BE udders of various size that hang from the front of women.

- “Hot.”

LET THERE BE magnificent lizards that roam the earth.

- “Whoooooa.”

And let’s make all of them invisible.

- “Oh, twist.”

And litter the ground with their bones.

- “Cool, cool. May I ask why?”

To trick the humans into thinking they’re dead and I’m not real.

[minds blown]

Little will they know I’m just on a hidden plane with my lizard pals.

LET THERE BE a special kind of stress that comes only when one is happy, and therefore suspicious, and without sleep.

- “Okay. Well.”

What?

- “Well, maybe instead of sleepless joy-terror, we could let…”

- “Um. Something else, maybe?”

We could let you shut up. How bout that.

LET THERE BE…

- [waits]

Let there be a dread that has no name.

- “…”

- “…”

- “…”

LET THERE BE men.

And the Creator saw that it was good, and the angels said nothing, except to proclaim the design like unto watches, and maybe bananas, and the Creator agreed it was good.