K. SCHROEDER: Thanks again for hosting happy hour, Dave!
D. GRAY: Bar’s still open!
A. CARLIN: Quick reminder to check your kids’ bags for unwrapped candy or anything suspicious.
C. REICHART: You know if anyone gets tampered candy, it’ll be Chuck Brown.
A. CARLIN: Oh Lord, I know. That kid is a magnet for bad luck.
J. VAN PELT: Hey. I have an idea. When the kids come around trick or treating, give each of them a nice piece of candy… and just give the Charlie Brown kid a rock.
A. CARLIN: OMG
V. FRANKLIN: That’s TERRIBLE!
D. GRAY: You’re drunk, Van Pelt! Would be kind of funny, tho.
K. SCHROEDER: What kind of rock?
C. REICHART: I was just going to give him the finger.
V. FRANKLIN: Stop.
A. CARLIN: He’s just a boy!
J. VAN PELT: But it would be really funny. Like if we ALL did it.
A. CARLIN: It would be a sophisticated bullying campaign against a child.
D. GRAY: I know, I know. It would be awful. We can’t. But if we DID… I think he’d take it in stride.
C. REICHART: Seriously, the kids pick on him all the time, and he seems cool about it.
V. FRANKLIN: Cool? He’s going bald!
D. GRAY: Hey guys, the bar’s still open in the party garage. We’ve got an hour or so before the sugar junkies get home. Just opened the Belvedere.
A. CARLIN: Here they come up the walk—they’re so cute!
K. SCHROEDER: So IF we do this—and I’m not saying we should—we really should be consistent on what kind of rock we give him. Which kind would you use?
C. REICHART: I don’t know… a rock.
V. FRANKLIN: I am giving Charlie Brown candy.
D. GRAY: How big a rock? Do we want his bag to tear open on him, or do we want to give him candy-sized ones so he doesn’t realize what’s happened until he gets home?
J. VAN PELT: These are buyer’s questions. I like where this is going.
K. SCHROEDER: How about we each give him a nice, decorative rock. That way when his parents call to complain later, we can say we were trying to be nice.
J. VAN PELT: Nope.
[Five minutes later.]
A. CARLIN: I did it.
C. REICHART: Did what?
A. CARLIN: The rock.
D. GRAY: You did?!
V. FRANKLIN: Amy!!
J. VAN PELT: Aaaaaaaahahaha!
K. SCHROEDER: WHAT KIND OF ROCK?
A. CARLIN: I couldn’t help it! They came to the door and they all looked so adorable and then there’s Charlie Brown in his sheet with like 10 holes cut in it. I mean, it’s pretty simple kid, you take a sheet and you cut two holes where your eyes go. What a blockhead.
C. REICHART: Vicious.
D. GRAY: This is happening! Everyone come over and do a shot!
K. SCHROEDER: What about a charcoal briquette?
A. CARLIN: You guys, you HAVE to do it now.
V. FRANKLIN: It’s so mean.
A. CARLIN: I can’t be the only one!!
C. REICHART: I’m in.
K. SCHROEDER: WHAT KIND OF ROCK?
D. GRAY: In.
J. VAN PELT: Honestly guys, I give him a rock every year. You know I’m in.
V. FRANKLIN: Ugh. All right. It IS kind of funny.
K. SCHROEDER: All right, guess I’ll give him a piece of brick.
C. REICHART: Hey Van Pelt, your son is asleep in the pumpkin patch again.
J. VAN PELT: Eh, whatever. He’s got his blanket. He’ll be fine.