Dublin back in the 850s was such a fuckin’ mess yah wouldn’t even fuckin’ believe. I mean yah got all these Nahwegians runnin’ ‘round the city like a bunchah goddamned maihrathonahs with their heads cut off on accoun’ah havin’ just beat the livin’ shit outtah some Danes, which yah know’s ‘bout all yah can expect since that’s the sorht’ah thing that gets Nahwegians all up n’ excited. But now on top’ah that yah alsah got the locals who ahr just standin’ ‘round gettin’ drunk n’ complainin’ ‘bout the massive crowds’ah people n’ the fact that the streets’re all closed tah traffic n’ tempahs ahr stahtin’ tah flahre n’ no ones gottah clue as tah how the fuck this shit’s gonnah sohrt itself all out. Well, ah’couhrse what happens is a bunchah these guys, both locals n’ runnahs, they end up fightin’ in the streets with each othah but thing is none’ah these guys’ hearts is in it, yah know? I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s not like they didn’t seriously fuckin’ brawl fah awhile ah anything, n’ yah know some’ah ‘em even fuckin’ died, but pretty soon they all just kindah tired ‘emselves out n’ so instead’ah keepin’ on fightin’ they all just stahted drinkin’ tahgethah n’ so what d’yah think they realized? What they fuckin’ realized is that Nahwegians n’ Dublinahs make fah some wicked good drinkin’ buddies n’ so now what yah got is an entiyah city full’ah pretty much only fuckin’ ragin’ Celts and Vikings goin’ on pub crawls tahgethah practically every fuckin’ night n’, fuck yah know, one thing leads tah anothah n’ befohr yah know it yah got all these little Nahwegian Irish babies poppin’ out allovah the place.
So now there’s this whole new fahreign Irish-bohrn population’ah Dublin n’ at the same time the regulah Nahwegians ahr gettin’ mohr Irish ‘emselves n’ the Irish locals ahr gettin’ mohr Nahwegian n’ so we’re just gonnah have tah staht callin’ ‘em all Gaelic Nahwegians just fah simplicity’s sake ‘cause othahwise tryin’ tah figyuh out who’s who gets mohr confusin’ is like tryin’ tah undahstand the logistics behind the muthahfuckin’ Green Line. The point is they’re all sorhtah gettin’ along at this point n’ so this whole pehriod’ah time ends up gettin’ known as the 40 Years Rest, which yah know is only like half as long as 86 years but it’s still a pretty fuckin’ long time tah go without havin’ anything wohrthwhile happen.
Now the othah thing ‘bout these Gaelic Nahwegians is they really fuckin’ hate York. I mean they really fuckin’ hate it. See, the Danes, they’re rulin’ up in York in those days n’ it’s like I was just sayin’, there’s few things in life that gets Nahwegians mohr hot n’ bothah’d fah ‘en fuckin’ brahwlin’ with Danes, n’ with these Danes in pahticulah there’s been some pretty bad blood between ‘em ovah the years. N’ yah know it’s not just that York’s a biggah n’ richah city ‘en Dublin but alsah the fact that Dublin got screwed ovah hahd in favah’ah York years back when some guys defected ovah tah the othah side n’ even though the Dublinahs been squabblin’ with York evah since it’s only just been some real minah bullshit that no one even gives a fuck about ’cause the Dublin guys always lose.
Now at the same time, it just so happens that Dublin’s not gettin’ as many talented new recruits from Nahway anymohr n’ so the Gaelic Nahwegian management’s gottah staht lookin’ tah make some deals with guys ‘round the rest’ah Ireland fah suppohrt. So they cut’ah deal with this guy Cearbhall from Leinstah who’s a real playah n’ he gives the Dublinahs a real boost fah awhile, but wouldn’t yah know, this prick ends up bein’ ‘bout as two faced as Johnny fuckin’ Damon ‘cause next thing yah know he’s leadin’ a bunch’ah pissed Irish rebels against the city that welcomed him, n’ he fuckin’ completely kicks the Gaelic Nahwegians right outtah town in 902.
So now these poohr Gaelic Nahwegian bastahds ahr scattahin’ ‘cross the Irish Sea tah Galloway in southuhrn Scotland—which is named aftah ’em actually—but then when they get there, one’ah ‘em, this cocky young guy Ragnall, he stahts tellin’ the othahs, “Yah know guys, I’m fuckin’ pissed right now. I’m mad at myself n’ I’m mad at the guys who did this tah us. I mean, I was put on the face’ah this green earth fah one reason n’ one reason alone, n’ that’s tah be the greatest fuckin’ behrsehrkah tah have evah fuckin’ lived. N’ since it’s my goal tah see that through, I gottah propuhsition fah yah. I’ve heahrd there’s this monastehry ovah in Dunkeld that just got a brand new shrine n’ it’s all decked out. N’ now I know yah don’t need me tah tell yah this, but that’s where the big money is, n’ it’s where the status is, n’ if we do things right, we might even generate some serious fuckin’ fan interest tah help fuhrthah our own Viking cause. So whatd’yah guys say tah mahrchin’ ovah there right now n’ rippin’ the fuckin’ place apaht?”
Well it oughttah come as no suhrprise tah yah, but the guys all thought those wohrds was fuckin’ music tah their ears. Sure, it didn’t huhrt that this kid who was doin’ the talkin’ was the grandson’ah Ivah the Boneless who was the guy who commanded the Great Heathen Ahmy that rampaged ‘round England some 40 years eahrliah, but this kid, he’s alsah real talented in his own right n’ so fuckin’ pretty much everyone really liked him even though he kindah ignohred ’em all whenevah he was actually out on the battlefield.
But anyway though, he n’ the othah Gaelic Nahwegian guys, they all gathah’d tahgathah n’ then they mahrched on ovah tah Dunkeld n’ they hit the place hahdah ‘en a fuckin’ flood’ah molasses. Now news’ah that crushin’ victahry hits the streets n’ it stahts tah generate some fan interest just like Ragnall’d predicted it would. So guys ahr joinin’ up with him now n’ he’s buildin’ his own fohrce n’ he’s hittin’ othah settlements n’ sometimes he’s fuckin’ knockin’ ‘em outtah the pahk n’ othah times he’s strikin’ out but even so he’s still avrehgin’ bettah n’ pretty much anyone else playin’ the game n’ everyone’s fuckin’ lovin’ him n’ pretty soon he’s got enough guys backin’ him up tah head on back tah Ireland where he fuckin’ destroys the home team at Watahfohrd. So now he’s sittin’ there in the dugout when news’ah York’s crushin’ defeat at Tettenhall comes in n’ he nearly fuckin’ chokes on his mead soon as he hears it.
So he gets all the guys tahgethah in a huddle n’ he tells ‘em, "Alright guys, listen up. I just got wohrd that our rivals ovah in York just got hammah’d by the English ahmy so hahrd that they can’t even tell’ah pinstripe from a fuckin’ sock n’ so my suggestion tah yah is that we go ovah there n’ we put a fuckin’ stake in York’s heahrt once n’ fah all."
N’ he didn’t need tah say anothah fuckin’ wohrd tah anyone ‘cause those Gaelic Nahwegian guys were already in the longships n’ fuckin’ halfway tah York by the time he was done talkin’. Soon as they got there they mahrched right up tah the stadium walls n’ they fuckin’ knocked ‘em right ovah n’ then they swahrmed the field like a bunchah Cambridge know-it-alls at the grand openin’ah a brand new ohrganic food store. So now the Danes there don’t got any options othah than tah totally fuckin’ capitulate n’ so the entiyah city’ah York falls tah Ragnall n’ these Gaelic Nahwegian guys in 919 in just one match, not fuckin’ seven like it sometimes takes.