1. Write glittering prose about how your children are the moons to your tides. Passionately detail Friday homemade pizza night and how splitting a bottle of organic wine with your partner just isn’t the same as it was before Maddie and Jack blossomed from your vagina. Start new paragraphs frequently.
2. Have a nervous breakdown: a) Intentionally set your kitchen on fire making gluten-free oatmeal cookies from only sustainable ingredients and then, b) Post artistic pictures of balloon animals having sex while your medication adjusts in the psych ward. Finally, c) Upon your release, make a Shutterfly coffee table book that, when accompanied by your prize-winning Bellevue Literary Journal essay becomes a surprise bestseller depicting the stresses of modern-day motherhood.
3. Contract a terrible disease. Die from your disease. Blog from the great beyond about a satisfying reunion with your cat, Mr. Franks, who you’ve cried (and blogged) about every day since putting him down six years ago. Have Peter Jackson direct the YouTube clips.
4. Slyly orchestrate your spouse’s abandonment of you for another woman with perkier boobs. Get a boob job in retaliation. Post gorgeous pictures of your new boobs. Marry a commenter who loves your new boobs. Finis.
5. Get a part-time job as a children’s party entertainer for extra cash. Bring your children with you to gigs. While dressed up as various Disney princesses, use the handheld device of your choice (sponsored + cross-posted to Facebook) to film gloomy wealthy folk interacting with your spawn. Post your films matched with moody rock and haiku about socioeconomic class. Get picked up by the Huffington Post.
6. At the annual women’s blogger conference wear odd costumes, drunk-tweet the Top 50 Mommy Bloggers, and cry publicly in bathrooms. Wear your breastfeeding infant son while doing so. Procreate to achieve infant-aged child by date of conference if necessary.
7. Remember that every blogging mother is a working mother!