Thank you for your warm welcome. It is wonderful to be here at the Chuckle Hut. But one has to keep a close eye on the patrons here, does one not? For example, I just witnessed swarthy Mr. Slovitch tip his waitress with a one pound note. Just one pound, sir? Tsk tsk. I happen to know Mr. Slovitch embezzled 700 pounds from his employer just last week. Constable Charles, I believe you’ll find the exact amount he stole located in the middle drawer of the oak bureau in the guest room of his residence at 151 Clockington Place. Minus the one pound tip, of course.
What else is going on? Youth are so rebellious today, are they not? I find this young generation most tedious. Particularly this lot here in the front row. Very poor manners, indeed. Tossing soiled napkins at a spinster lady. I’m doing my best, I’m sure. Of course, after an afternoon of huffing whipped cream cans and smoking marijuana, one shouldn’t expect much from such riff-raff. Constable, I’m sure you’ll find drug paraphernalia in the youths’ pockets. And that older one slashed Mr. Higginbotthom’s tires last night. Examine his fingernails for the evidence.
You might notice the village police force in attendance. Purely coincidence, I assure you. But I jest.
One must find things to laugh at in village life. Take grocery shopping, for instance. Only last week Mr. Pottsmith gave me incorrect change on my weekly baked goods order, even though I gently reminded him of the correct amount. I good-naturedly reprimanded him and had a quiet chuckle the entire walk home. And I’m sure he’ll respond in the same manner as representatives from Scotland Yard arrest him for the murder of his wife. Cancer, indeed. You’ll get the death penalty Mr. Pottsmith. And quite rightly, I’m sure.
Please keep your seats, ladies and gentlemen. I have many more jokes to tell. Did you hear the one about the lawyer named Mr. Bristol who was having an affair with the daughter of his partner Mr. Jenkins? And how she is now pregnant and considering her options, even going so far as telephoning a certain clinic in the village of Lemonshire? I think we all know what kind of clinic I refer to.
My name is Miss Marple and you’ve been a wonderful audience. Good night!