Nine Alternatives to Ethical Non-Monogamy

1. Unethical Non-Monogamy (cheating)

2. Ethical Monogamy (both partners constantly trying to solve the trolley problem)

3. Unethical Monogamy (when you keep a man locked in your basement)

4. Ethical Lawn Monotony (a cul-de-sac in a leafy township)

5. Oedipal Mom Monogamy (when you’re faithful only to your mother)

6. Unethical Ron Taxonomy (when you’re dating three guys named Ron, and your friend asks you to rank them)

7. Ethical Mob Monogamy (when you must swear absolute loyalty to your capo)

8. Unethical Combat Monologue (when your dad won’t stop talking about World War II at dinner)

9. Ethical Stop Monopoly (telling someone it’s time to stop playing Monopoly, because they’re getting too competitive)