Managing a massive concert tour requires keeping a lot of balls in the air, but as we were pulling into our next stop for P!nk’s world tour, I couldn’t help but feel like I was forgetting something. As we were preparing to rock Detroit’s Little Caesars Arena for a record-setting two straight nights, it suddenly hit me. Where was P!nk? “Has anybody here seen P!nk?” I shouted out to the crew assembling our stage, but alas, no luck. As we all frantically tried to call her phone to no avail, it began to dawn on me. Oh my god, we forgot P!nk. Not only have we left her behind at our last venue, but we forgot to let the pop star down from her aerial harness.
As we all know, rather than perform hits like “Raise Your Glass” and “Get the Party Started” at sea level with her feet planted firmly on the ground like other, boring performers, P!nk approaches each concert as if it’s a punk-themed Cirque du Soleil show. Using acrobatic ropes and wires, she torpedoes herself over a sea of concert-goers mid-song, doing flips and somersaults as she performs while airborne. It’s a feat she’s able to pull off thanks to years of training from the master acrobat Yen (from Ocean’s Eleven) and cutting-edge mechanics from the team behind Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark (they figured it out this time, they swear). It’s been a shockingly foolproof endeavor—save for a stubborn knot that took us three whole songs to untangle and one case of explosive food poisoning that coated an entire section of MetLife Stadium. But now it seems that our luck has run out.
As we speak, P!nk is currently hovering above a dark, empty stadium like a Grammy Award–winning piñata, shouting out for help between aerial spins. How could I have let this happen? Yeah, I’ve made mistakes before as a road manager; I’m only human. There was the time I forgot the Rolling Stones’ Geritol. Or when I laid out a sensible shirt and khakis for Harry Styles. And I’ll never live down the time I found out I was colorblind after attempting to remove all of the brown M&Ms from the bowl in Van Halen’s dressing room. But I’ve never made a mistake quite as bad as this.
P!nk is one of the most important parts of putting on a P!nk concert. Sure, we’re beginning to see artists put on concerts without attending themselves, like ABBA’s hologram-led Voyage show, or the first two hours of a Madonna concert. But a P!nk concert without P!nk? That’s just a JCPenney.
I still can’t fathom how this slipped through the cracks. Sure, she’s usually on vocal rest between shows, but that shouldn’t have kept her from screaming out for help as the crew disassembled the stage below her. And why didn’t the tour bus driver notice that P!nk wasn’t on the bus’s mobile aerial silks? Normally, he’d hear her clanging around back there on every sharp turn.
But now isn’t the time to place blame; now is the time to rescue P!nk. Maybe there’s a janitor on shift at the stadium who can let her down? Or at the very least, try to throw some stadium vegan chicken fingers up there to sustain her while she waits for help to arrive. Let’s turn the tour bus around and go back to save her before she’s forced to watch an NFL game from above like Bill Belichick’s guardian angel.
Ugh, I’m gonna be in so much trouble. Don’t get me wrong, P!nk is a singular talent and a delight to work for. Despite always singing about punching people out, I’ve only ever seen her get angry once, and that was when a waiter took her table and gave it to Jessica Simps. But slam slam oh hot damn, I don’t think she’ll be able to forgive being left in the air like she’s a fistful of glitter.
Is there any hope of getting myself out of this? Maybe we can somehow find a way to blame Christina Aguilera? Or chalk it up as one big innocent missundaztanding? No, there’s no hope. I’ll be fired for sure. It’s only a matter of time until I’m handed my p!nk slip.