Oh my god, hi!! I am SO sorry to do this, but we have your wife Jenna, and if you don’t pay us $20 million in unmarked bills by tomorrow night, we are gonna have to kill her. So sorry about this!!
We are a group of private individuals who disagree with your amoral business practices and have kidnapped your wife, because four of us are Scorpios, and you know how we are when we get together—you better be glad we didn’t make a worse mess of this, LOL. We follow your public stock holdings and know you have the money. Please follow our instructions to the letter if you want to see your wife again, and I know you do because she is super pretty!!
Just to say it again: SO sorry about this, I know this is annoying, ugh.
To prove that we have her, we’ve enclosed some hair—that’s right, we gave her bangs. She is going through a tough time right now because she is kidnapped, and everyone agreed that letting her get bangs would make her feel free and in control of her own future. She looks SO cute!!!! You should absolutely pay us so you can see the bangs.
Your wife is safe and unharmed and is one of the most beautiful, strong women I have ever seen. You have no idea how lucky you are to have her. You better treat her right by paying us the ransom. If you let us kill her, I will never forgive you. God, men are such pigs sometimes!!
Listen carefully! Actually, I’m so sorry if I’m yelling! Listen however feels best to you! If you don’t respond to this letter immediately (sorry!), we will cut off your wife’s pinky finger and send it back to you in a box. I can’t believe you are going to let that happen—your wife has the most beautiful fingers, and she could be a model if she wanted to be and if we don’t kill her. We keep telling her she deserves better and that we could return her to any man on earth—she’s that special. She keeps crying, which makes us cry!!
You need to understand: Seabiscuit’s life is in your hands (there’s another Jenna in the group, and we started calling your wife “Seabiscuit” because she ran across the room so fast this one time, even though we told her the windows were bolted shut, and we all laughed SO hard, OMG! Maybe you had to be there, but it was SO funny!!). Her future is up to you. I take that back; her future is up to her. The future is FEMALE. We don’t need a man’s money. I take that back—in this instance, we do!!!
I’m sorry the letters are getting smeary. I can’t stop crying at how grateful I am to have Seabiscuit in my life! This is truly so unprofessional of me!! But honestly, crying does not equal weakness, and I think more male kidnappers should cry at work rather than fewer female kidnappers. Happy to discuss if you disagree. Are you mad at me?!
I’m really, really looking forward to getting the money tomorrow. Please leave it by the big oak tree near College St., and one of us will pick it up. And just to be very clear: this is not a date!!
Men always think meeting a woman by a tree in a ransom situation equals a date, but sometimes, it’s just meeting a woman by a tree in a ransom situation!! We will be wearing all black! I promised our Fearless Leader I wouldn’t give any information that could identify us, which is just the same old Kelsey Murphy Virgo shit she’s been saying since LSU. God, I love my friends!!!!
I know you’re really busy, but can’t wait to hear your thoughts. Sorry in advance for bugging you!
Love,
Megan A.
(there’s another Megan here too!)