Tonight, it’s just me and me. I’ve had my eyes on me for a long time, and finally, I feel like something might happen with myself. I have it all planned out: an intimate dinner at my house, eating pretzels over the sink, thumbing through Instagram, and staring off into space. That listless, glazed look in my eyes makes me look particularly alluring tonight.

Oh, I have a little mustard on my lip. Here, let me get that for me.

I’ll open a bottle of wine — a jammy Malbec, with hints of black pepper and plum. That’s what the label said at Trader Joe’s. Kind of just tastes like wine, though. When I was in the store earlier, I reached for the one that’s only four dollars. But then I was like, No. Tonight’s special. I’ll get the five-dollar one.

I want to impress myself. I’ll be casual, like my apartment is always this clean. I’ll wear my THE FUTURE IS FEMALE T-shirt so I know I’m a feminist, and put on an album from a band I know I like. I’ll light some vetiver candles that make my bedroom smell like a Japanese forest. Or, like the candle section of Anthropologie. Anything can happen tonight. Anything.

I can’t wait to be alone with me. I’m in no rush, though. I can take it slow. I’d be totally content just cuddling and falling asleep with my mouthguard still in, watching some comedy special on Netflix. I’m just happy to be enjoying the warmth of my company on this cold, cold night.

But the attraction I feel towards me is undeniable. The soft light on my face, the way my hair gently falls over my shoulders. It’s like there’s a magnet in me that’s pulling me towards myself. I put my glass of wine on the bedside table. I’ve wanted me for so long. I’m sending myself all these signals that I’m feeling it, too.

Wait. Before I go any further, I want to just pause with me for a minute. I’ve had a few glasses of wine, and so have I. Am I sure I’m in the right frame of mind for this?

OK then.

Just reiterating, there’s no pressure at all. I want to do whatever I want to do, whatever I’m comfortable with. I just want to make me feel safe and cared for.

Uh-huh. Oh, I’m so glad to hear me say that.

And I want to be sure this won’t affect my friendship with myself. Do I think it will?

OK, I’m right. Of course it will! Ha-ha. But I don’t have to think about that now.

Are there certain things I do or don’t want to do together? Are there any places that I don’t like to be touched?

Really? Wow. No, it’s just that I wasn’t expecting that from me. I look so demure. OK, well, if I’m being completely honest with me, I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. Maybe I can start with the basics and then work up to doing that to myself.

Do I like this one particular thing that a lot of people like, but some people really don’t like? What about this other thing that some people find degrading? What about this thing that I saw in a movie once? I’ve kind of always wanted to try it with someone special. It’s totally fine if I’m not into the idea. For real? OK, yeah, I’d love to try it with me. But if I change my mind, just tell me. I want to respect my wishes throughout this whole encounter.

Maybe I should have a safe word. How about “Pop-Tarts”? OK, if I do something I don’t like, I’ll just yell out POP-TARTS.

Did I bring some kind of protection? I want to be responsible with myself. Oh, look at that. I was prepared.

How’s that? Do I like this?

What about this?

Whoa, where did I learn how to do that thing with my mouth?

What if I do this? No. OK, sounds like I’m not really into that.

Is this still OK for me? Still good? Just making sure.

Wow, that was amazing. Has anyone ever told me I’m super good at this? I was phenomenal, especially when I did that one thing with my left leg. And there was a moment there when it felt like the only two people on earth were me, and me. I felt such a profound spiritual connection to myself.

I’m sorry, I’m rambling. How was that for me?