Our parties have totally realigned. Democrats are conservative now. Kamala Harris made not one but several references to the American military in her DNC acceptance speech. That’s not what Democrats used to be about. According to pop culture, they used to be about soft, fuzzy things, like dust bunnies.

And Republicans are the new liberals. Donald Trump is pro-choice, haven’t you heard? Well, before he was pro-life, which happened before he was pro-choice originally, which was before he was pro-life that other time, which was before he was pro-choice for those forty-five minutes. Anyway, he tried to kill Mike Pence. Doesn’t sound pro-life to me.

These days, Democrats are into freedom. In fact, it’s literally Kamala’s walk-on song, “Freedom.” You know freedom? That thing Reagan used to talk about all the time? I’m all turned around—if Harris uses the same word as Reagan, have the parties totally realigned?

Republicans are a whole new party these days. There’s nothing conservative about Trump. He’s a convicted felon, whereas historically, conservatives have been very successful at evading responsibility for their crimes. Not the modern Republicans. It’s strange.

Dick Cheney’s daughter and John McCain’s son endorsed Kamala Harris. Former-Alleged-Democrat-and-Likely-Spy Tulsi Gabbard is attached to Trump’s hip. The realignment is shocking. That’s three people. That’s a lot. I mean, there are 330 million people in America. But 330 million / 3 > nothing. Have the parties totally realigned?

Democrats used to be the weird ones. Do you remember paper straws? As though just getting rid of straws entirely wasn’t a much better solution? Well, if you thought that was weird, wait until you see every single time J. D. Vance has ever had the misfortune of being caught on video. “Weird” has hot-potato’d its way over to the Republicans. What next? You’re going to tell me Democrats have an immigration policy?

Yes, I know there have been swing voters every election. However, the New York Times conservative columnist David French was not one of them. Or maybe he was. I don’t know, I skip most of his columns, on account of the whole “conservative” thing. But even still… the parties are shifting beneath our feet. It’s jarring.

Did you even watch the DNC? Nothing about that convention was the same as it would have been ten years ago. Except for the presence of Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Jimmy Carter’s family, Leon Panetta, Bernie Sanders, Chuck Schumer, and most of the delegates and many other speakers. But still. I mean, there were Republicans there. What is going on!?!?

Kamala Harris wants to build three million new homes. Um, I thought Republicans were the ones who owned homes. This makes no sense.

J. D. Vance wrote a book. Democrats used to be the pro-book party. Republicans want to ban books! And now it’s liberals who go into bookstores and flip Hillbilly Elegy over on its display table so people won’t pick it up? Or maybe I’m the only one who does that. Either way, this party realignment has me all in a tizzy.

The parties have totally shifted their values. If Republicans are the pro-marriage party, then explain why Vance has been married only once. At least Trump walks the walk, but he’s seventy-eight years old. What’s going to happen to Republicans after he’s gone? The party will never be the same. They may as well be liberals.

And if Democrats are so woke, then explain why Tim Walz is white. This is not Abraham Lincoln’s Democratic Party.

Is this still the Democratic Party of 1988? No, not at all. That year, a totally different slate of candidates was running for office, like Joe Biden, who very famously dropped out of this election over a month ago. Democrats have slightly updated their candidates in the last thirty years. They’re a completely new party.

Democrats are right, Republicans are left, up is down, and down is up. I don’t even know which party is going to bring down ATM fees. Why should I have to pay to access my money? I’m so confused.

The sky is falling down, and the parties are unrecognizable. But that’s not why the sky is falling down—it’s because of climate change. Which Republicans haven’t evolved on since about 1956. Thank god at least one thing has stayed the same.