As a member of the media, I believe that Vice President Kamala Harris owes the American people an explanation for changing her 2020 position on Medicare for All. Without transparency from our political candidates, voters cannot make an informed choice at the ballot box in November.

What? Oh yeah, I guess Trump has evolved a little bit on a few issues too. Whatever. We can’t let that distract us from the important thing, which is that Kamala Harris must explain herself in a sit-down interview at the time and place of my choosing (and if Walz is there again, I’m going to scream). After all, democracy dies in darkness.

Okay, fine. I’ll admit Trump has completely reversed himself on abortion, immigration, cryptocurrency, and TikTok. And that’s just this year. You want to know why I’m not constantly asking him to explain himself? I mean, come on, have you heard what comes out of the guy’s mouth when you ask him a question?

Recently, somebody wanted to know what he was going to do to make child care more affordable, and this is what he said:

“Well, I would do that, and we’re sitting down—you know, I was, somebody, we had Sen. Marco Rubio, and my daughter Ivanka was so impactful on that issue. It’s a very important issue. But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I’m talking about, that—because, look, child care is child care. It’s, couldn’t, you know, there’s something, you have to have it—in this country, you have to have it.”

My head hurts just looking at that. I feel like I just watched the damn video from The Ring. How am I supposed to turn a whack-job word salad like that into something resembling a coherent response?

What do you mean that’s not my job? I’m pretty sure it is. If I print that word-for-word and somebody reads it and has a stroke, I could get sued.

Look, just between you and me, it’s almost like Trump’s mind is visibly deteriorating before our very eyes, and he’s too old and mentally unfit to be president. Ha ha, that would be crazy, right?

Anyway, for real, Joe Biden is too old and mentally unfit to run for president.

Yeah, I guess I don’t really need to say that anymore. Except… hey, wait a second, maybe Kamala Harris owes us an explanation for that one too?

Why didn’t she come out and make a public statement about how much her current boss sucks? What is she hiding? We, The People, deserve to know. This is another question that must be asked at the sit-down interview, which will take place in [rolls dice] Warren, Arkansas, on [rolls dice] October 17 at [rolls dice] 6:47 a.m.

And if Harris doesn’t show up, she’s dodging the media. Indeed, from the moment she launched her campaign, the vice president has avoided all unscripted moments. Donald Trump, on the other hand, is unwilling—or, as seems increasingly likely, no longer able—to read, so every moment is, by definition, unscripted.

Like, remember when he thought Elon Musk’s name was “Leon” or when he claimed he was in a helicopter crash that never happened? Those are the kind of unscripted moments voters should be made aware of. (But not specifically, because if we talk about them too much, we’ll get accused of bias. And one thing we, the media, are not, is biased for or against any particular candidate.)

Anyway, long story short, I give Kamala Harris four Pinocchios.

How many Pinocchios does Trump get? Listen, if we kept giving the guy Pinocchios every time he lied, that would be thousands upon thousands of Pinocchios. We only have four Pinocchios. Therefore, Trump gets no Pinocchios.

You seem preoccupied with this so-called double standard, but you’ve got to understand that if we keep this up, conservatives will definitely start trusting the news media again.

Look, I’m not even the person you should be asking. Honestly, I think you should ask Vice President Harris why we’re doing this. In fact, I would go so far as to say that for the sake of our republic, she owes us the truth.

I mean, I guess you could ask Trump, but you’ll probably get five solid minutes of dementia improv about Hannibal Lecter performing gender-reassignment surgery on a cat in Ohio.

Yawn. Same old, same old. Who cares, right?