At the Bookstore

CLERK

Next!

YOU

Good morning. I should like to purchase these volumes.

CLERK

Okey dokey. Let’s see, the Dean Koontz boxed set, Canning at Home, and the new James Garfield biography. That will be $72.31 with tax. Would you like a bag?

YOU

No, I’m going to juggle them on the way out.

CLERK

All righty.

YOU exit through front door, juggling the volumes with ease.

- - -

Tipping the Movers

JAKE

That’s the last of the boxes, there.

YOU

Thank you. Here is a shiny fifty-cent piece for each of your men, and an extra Susan B. Anthony dollar for you.

JAKE

(grunts)

YOU

I will be sure to recommend your services to others.

JAKE

You understand that we know where you live, don’t cha?

YOU

Yes, you certainly do.

* Alternate if Your Name is Also Jake

YOU

From one Jake to another … you certainly do.

- - -

Ordering Pâté de Foie Gras

YOU

I’d like a tureen of your finest foie gras, Pierre.

DAVID

My name is David.

YOU

You French are not known for your sense of humor.

DAVID

This is a library.

YOU

And at these prices, I can see why.

DAVID

You are sitting in a potted palm.

YOU

See, did you even get that? “And at these prices, I can see why.” Get it?

- - -

Enjoying Girl Talk with Jodie Foster

JODIE

So I’ve got an idea for my next project. A sequel to Freaky Friday. It’s called Mutanty Monday. I play my own mother and also this girl pianist with three arms. Gotta get the rights from Mary Rodgers, though.

HOLLY HUNTER

There a part for me?

JODIE

Of course, Holly! You play the piano.

They laugh.

YOU

So, how about that John Hinckley Jr. thing, huh?

HOLLY

(picking up the phone)
Security, please.

- - -

The Cube Root of 162

SCIENTIST

Hmm. Dang it, I need the cube root of 162 and my calculator’s at the dry cleaners.

YOU

How many significant figures?

SCIENTIST

Fourteen, actually. I know it’s a lot to ask.

YOU

No problem. 5.45136177849642.

* Alternate if the Requirement is for the Cube Root of 163 Rather than the Cube Root of 162

YOU

No problem. 5.46255557128140.

- - -

Meeting the Puppet-Leader of an Oppressed Country the Day After a Bloodless Coup

YOU

From my country to yours I am extending a most beneficent hand in empathy.

CÉSAR

It is an honor.

YOU

Can you order your houseboy to please direct me to your facilities?

CÉSAR

Your accent, it is impeccable.

YOU

Yes, isn’t it?

- - -

Not Winning $1,000,000 in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

ED McMAHON

(ringing doorbell)
We’re here at the home of our latest million-dollar sweepstakes winner, Mrs. Sally Fantine of Fresno, California!

SALLY

(opening door)
Yes?

ED

Are you Mrs. Sally Fantine?

SALLY

Yes … Oh my god! You’re Ed McMahon! Have I—

ED

You bet you have, Sally! You’ve won $1,000,000!

CUT TO

YOU

(sitting in front of a television)
Damn it all! I forgot to mail my entry.

GHOST OF JAMES GARFIELD

(materializing)
That doesn’t matter. I heard that they only pick people who order the magazines.

YOU

(succumbing to a sudden heart attack)
Gah!