At the Bookstore
CLERK
Next!
YOU
Good morning. I should like to purchase these volumes.
CLERK
Okey dokey. Let’s see, the Dean Koontz boxed set, Canning at Home, and the new James Garfield biography. That will be $72.31 with tax. Would you like a bag?
YOU
No, I’m going to juggle them on the way out.
CLERK
All righty.
YOU exit through front door, juggling the volumes with ease.
Tipping the Movers
JAKE
That’s the last of the boxes, there.
YOU
Thank you. Here is a shiny fifty-cent piece for each of your men, and an extra Susan B. Anthony dollar for you.
JAKE
(grunts)
YOU
I will be sure to recommend your services to others.
JAKE
You understand that we know where you live, don’t cha?
YOU
Yes, you certainly do.
* Alternate if Your Name is Also Jake
YOU
From one Jake to another … you certainly do.
Ordering Pâté de Foie Gras
YOU
I’d like a tureen of your finest foie gras, Pierre.
DAVID
My name is David.
YOU
You French are not known for your sense of humor.
DAVID
This is a library.
YOU
And at these prices, I can see why.
DAVID
You are sitting in a potted palm.
YOU
See, did you even get that? “And at these prices, I can see why.” Get it?
Enjoying Girl Talk with Jodie Foster
JODIE
So I’ve got an idea for my next project. A sequel to Freaky Friday. It’s called Mutanty Monday. I play my own mother and also this girl pianist with three arms. Gotta get the rights from Mary Rodgers, though.
HOLLY HUNTER
There a part for me?
JODIE
Of course, Holly! You play the piano.
They laugh.
YOU
So, how about that John Hinckley Jr. thing, huh?
HOLLY
(picking up the phone)
Security, please.
The Cube Root of 162
SCIENTIST
Hmm. Dang it, I need the cube root of 162 and my calculator’s at the dry cleaners.
YOU
How many significant figures?
SCIENTIST
Fourteen, actually. I know it’s a lot to ask.
YOU
No problem. 5.45136177849642.
* Alternate if the Requirement is for the Cube Root of 163 Rather than the Cube Root of 162
YOU
No problem. 5.46255557128140.
Meeting the Puppet-Leader of an Oppressed Country the Day After a Bloodless Coup
YOU
From my country to yours I am extending a most beneficent hand in empathy.
CÉSAR
It is an honor.
YOU
Can you order your houseboy to please direct me to your facilities?
CÉSAR
Your accent, it is impeccable.
YOU
Yes, isn’t it?
Not Winning $1,000,000 in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes
ED McMAHON
(ringing doorbell)
We’re here at the home of our latest million-dollar sweepstakes winner, Mrs. Sally Fantine of Fresno, California!
SALLY
(opening door)
Yes?
ED
Are you Mrs. Sally Fantine?
SALLY
Yes … Oh my god! You’re Ed McMahon! Have I—
ED
You bet you have, Sally! You’ve won $1,000,000!
CUT TO
YOU
(sitting in front of a television)
Damn it all! I forgot to mail my entry.
GHOST OF JAMES GARFIELD
(materializing)
That doesn’t matter. I heard that they only pick people who order the magazines.
YOU
(succumbing to a sudden heart attack)
Gah!