WE BUY HOUSES
ANY AREA
ANY CONDITION
NO CREDIT?
NO PROBLEM
NOT SELLING YOUR HOUSE?
UNIMPORTANT
WE ARE GOING TO BUY YOUR HOUSE
WE’RE GOING TO SUBLET IT
PERHAPS TO UNRULY TENANTS
LIKE BIRDS
I’M TALKING WINDOW TO WALL BIRDS
MOSTLY GEESE
OKAY
ALL GEESE
WE ARE GOING TO FILL YOUR HOUSE WITH GEESE
WE’RE GOING TO REDECORATE
AND USE IT AS THE SET FOR A SITCOM
GROWING UP SIX HUNDRED GEESE
ED ASNER IS ATTACHED
WE TRIED TO PAY HIM BUT HE SAID NO
“THIS ONE’S JUST FOR ME” — ED ASNER
WAIT, ED ASNER ISN’T ALIVE?
OH GOD
RIP ED. 1929—2021
ANYWAY
ANY LOCATION
YOU COULD BE LIVING IN A MINI GOLF WINDMILL
AND WHEN SPORTSMEN PUTT THEIR BALL INTO THE WINDMILL
YOU COULD GRAB IT AND TURN TO YOUR WIFE AND SAY, “HONEY, DINNER IS SERVED”
IT’S JUST A LITTLE JOKE
BUT IT’S YOUR LITTLE JOKE
IT’S THOSE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE THIS CRAZY RIDE WE CALL MARRIAGE ALL WORTH IT
GOD YOU LOVE MEREDITH
YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR MEREDITH
EXCEPT BUY A HOUSE
BECAUSE THAT’S OUR THING
WHERE IS YOUR HOUSE
THE TROPIC OF CANCER?
WE’RE BUYING IT
WE BUY HOUSES
THE VAGUE LAWLESSNESS OF INTERNATIONAL WATERS IS ONLY A PLUS
WE’RE GOING TO START A DIPLOMA MILL
HOW’D YOU LIKE A DEGREE FROM MEAT HUNK UNIVERSITY
IN
GEESE STUDIES
THE CONDITION OF YOUR HOUSE COULDN’T MATTER LESS
COULDN’T? OR COULD
WAIT IT’S COULDN’T
WHAT KINDA HOUSE YOU GOT
OLD? NEW?
HAUNTED? FULL?
PRIMETIME EMMY AWARD-WINNING HOUSE?
WE BUY THE RIGHTS TO THE FOX NETWORK’S HOUSE
PROVIDED YOU OWN THEM
ARE YOU DAVID SHORE?
HE’S THE CREATOR OF HOUSE
IT RAN FOR EIGHT SEASONS
SCRUBS RAN FOR NINE
HOLY SHIT THIS IS A HELL OF A TELEPHONE POLE
THE LADDER I USED TO POST THIS SIGNAGE WAS NEARLY 15 KNOTS TALL
I GOT IT AT LADDER WORLD
IT COST SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS
PLUS LADDER TAX
THIS IS REALLY GONNA PUT US IN THE HOLE
WE’LL HAVE TO SELL YOUR HOUSE
Note: This piece was edited in 2023 to account for the passing of the great Ed Asner.