WOMAN: Papa biscuit, when are you going to come to the West Indies? I’m here all by my lonesome and I have this present for you…
MAN: West Indies! I’m stuck in the West 40s! I can’t believe this cab driver took Broadway! We r outside the Belasco and John Cameron Mitchell is back in his wig! I’m never getting to this reading downtown at Housing Works!!!
WOMAN: I wish you were in a cab going downtown on me…
MAN: It’d probably be a lot cheaper, I’ll tell you that! This meter has now hit $78 dollars! $78! City’s killing me! My hands bleed when I reach for my wallet in this town!
WOMAN: Why don’t you come here and put your hands on something warm n silky. I’m lying under a baobab tree, eating a Barbados cherry, the sun dapples on my silk robe…
MAN: A homeless guy shit on me today. Was in Bryant Park at lunch sitting on a bench near the Boules game, really warm day. Decided to shut my eyes when suddenly I feel something warm on my leg. It was casual Friday so I had shorts on and a blazer, I was probably asking for it, I know, I deserved it, who wears a blazer with shorts except Tommy Hilfiger models? Anyway, I open my eyes and this guy, wild hair and angry, angry eyes, is straddling my thighs and squatting and grunting, and I scream WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!? but he’s gripping the back of the bench and I can’t move from under him and the crap lands on my thigh. He jumps off and runs away and I’ve got a presentation back at work in 13 minutes!!!!!!!!
WOMAN: That’s terrible! I absolutely hate the idea of you getting shit on! You should call in sick and hop a flight to this hammock. I have this bar of homemade rosewater soap here and the azure water is warm and I could walk you in to the water and soap you up like a baby and wash your hair as you sit at the water’s edge…
MAN: Water’s edge! U just reminded me my car is parked on Water Street and it’s Thursday! I have to move it by 5 or it’s gonna get towed again! Last time it got towed I had to take four trains, a pedi-cab, and charter a helicopter out to the Brooklyn Navy Yard where I had to donate my spleen and four weeks a year at my time share on Jupiter Island plus a $3000 fine to get my car back. Jesus! Thank you for reminding me! I’m out of my mind!! #DeadmanSexting!
WOMAN: Listen, you can park your car wherever you want down here. All night long. Wherever you want…
MAN: You wanna talk all night? I was up all night last night. I didn’t get a wink of sleep. They’re putting a Duane Reed on every floor of my building and the workers go all night! I was on hold with 311 for seven and a half hours!
WOMAN: I’d like to keep you up all nighte.
MAN: That’s an interesting way to spell night. Are you on a beach in the Middle Ages?
WOMAN: Sorry, I was busy opening this milky coconut with my ass. I slowly roll around on it until it loosens up and is almost ready to burst…
MAN: You wanna talk burst? I’m getting out of this cab and getting the train downtown, I’m never gonna make it, and I just got underground and got a text that Con Ed reported a water main break at 14th street. The trains are delayed by 40 minutes!
WOMAN: Rats.
MAN: RAT!!!!!! Oh my god that was the biggest rat I’ve ever seen in 19 years in New York! RAT!!!!! There’s another one. I gotta get out of this town.
WOMAN: I agree. Come see me. Come to Barbados.
MAN: Barbados? Come to Barbados? Do you have any idea how much stress I’m under at work? At home? Awake/asleep/breathing/dead? You think I can just “Come to Barbados?” You’re adorable. Really. And sexy. Really sexy. Do you know what Papa Biscuit wants to do to you right now?
WOMAN: …
MAN: You there? Hello? If I run I can still make this reading downtown… oh my god it just started snowing again! RAT! SNOW! RAT! I can still make it if I run…