JACK: We always told him, be careful crossing that street. “Someday Michael won’t be there to stop traffic,” we said.
KACK: I just… I can’t believe how many cars hit him.
MACK: He looked like a feather boa, with a beak sticking out.
NACK: Poor Quack.
CHLOE (a goose): We made love the night before he died. It was fantastic.
OUACK: You were his girlfriend, right? I’m Ouack.
CHLOE: … Wack?
OUACK [resignedly]: With an O.
CHLOE [with dawning horror]: Wait a minute — and you’re… you’re Jack?
KACK: Oh no — he didn’t tell you, did he?
PACK: It’s true. Our parents… they just went right down the alphabet. Jack, Kack, Lack, all the way to him.
NACK: It’s like, you know how the Kardashians named all their kids K names?
LACK: But worse. So much worse.
KACK: Do you know how many times I’ve been given the Heimlich maneuver, just trying to introduce myself?
LACK: It’s like my name has defined me. I do lack. I lack love. I lack warmth. All I want is a child! The ground is ready — I just need someone to plant the seed.
NACK: And Quack — well. Quack was Quack.
MACK: It’s just so… literal!
JACK: Well, he was a duck, right? He Quacked like a duck. I mean… he acted happy.
CHLOE: I haven’t met that many happy ducks in my life. How do they act?
OUACK: Oh for God’s sake, Jack, don’t you see? He was quacking for help, all those years! He knew this was his fault. He was Duck Zero. All of us — all of us! We didn’t rhyme together. We rhymed with him!
KACK: He — he knew Michael wouldn’t be there that day, Jack. He knew no one would stop those cars.
JACK: No. No!
He runs outside to a balcony. Lack follows.
JACK [weeping softly]: It’s just — our parents, all they wanted was to find somewhere safe for us, you know?
LACK: But no matter where you go… there you car.
JACK: Oh Lack. Do you… do you really want a baby?
LACK: But you’re my brother! Oh — I don’t care!
They make love. A squirrel climbs up and sees them. They push him off the balcony, paralyzing him. “Whiter Shade of Pale” plays. A swan boat passes in the distance.