“The autopsy revealed no physical findings that support a diagnosis of traumatic asphyxia or strangulation. Mr. Floyd had underlying health conditions, including coronary artery disease and hypertensive heart disease. The combined effects of Mr. Floyd being restrained by police, his underlying health conditions, and any potential intoxicants in his system likely contributed to his death.”
— The City of Minneapolis’ statement of probable cause in George Floyd’s death
We understand that Joan of Arc was prone to visions, which she believed were messages from angels and saints telling her that she was chosen by God to lead France. Of course, we now understand these visions to be the sign not of divine intervention but of an unwell mind. This merely confirms our longheld hunch that Joan’s pre-existing mental condition was the key factor in her demise at nineteen, which — coincidentally, and in a completely unrelated matter — was simultaneous with, but not the result of, her being burned at the stake.
The thing is, Marie Antoinette wasn’t exactly a paragon of fitness and wellness when the French people called for her head. Famously, she subsisted largely on champagne and pastries. Her cholesterol and blood sugar were sky-high, plus she was deficient in all the essential vitamins. As we all know, malnutrition kills. Do guillotines also kill? Sometimes! But any rational person would conclude that Marie’s death was surely due as much to her poor dietary habits as from having her head severed from her body by a giant, weighted blade.
Alexander Hamilton was obviously in poor health — grieving his dead son, nursing self-imposed humiliation over his affair — when he went to Weehawken the morning of his death. While it involved a bullet that presumably was dislodged from a weapon by some other individual, it feels much more pertinent to note that Alexander was wearing his glasses when he died. So like… his vision was bad. It was not good. Cause of death: Astigmatism, probably.
Honestly, when you think about it, isn’t it more accurate to say that John Lennon was killed by society?
While approximately 300 Lakota men, women, and children died during their encounter with the United States Army at Wounded Knee, it feels presumptuous and a little unfair to assume that the former were slaughtered by the latter. Basically, it was a people with guns versus people without guns situation, so we can see why you might assume it was a massacre. But, really, anything could have happened there. Maybe it was just like… a bad crop that year? Food poisoning! Yeah, food poisoning. We’re just gonna go with that.
By the time he was nailed to the cross, Jesus Christ was severely dehydrated. He literally said, “I am thirsty.” And then they just gave him wine, so on top of being dehydrated, he also had intoxicants in his system. So, yeah, when you think about it that way, it’s a no-brainer what really killed Jesus (too much booze, not enough water, etc.) and what didn’t kill him (being crucified, bleeding out, etc.).