[Part I, Part II, Part III., Part IV, Part V,
Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X, Part XI, Part XII.]
Part XIII:
In Which King Gylfi of Sweden Learns
About the Time When Thor Ate Fish Sticks
and Then Decapitated an Ox out of Spite
Ah, come on, Lucic! What kindah fuckin’ face-off was that?
…ahh well we still got 20 seconds tah go on the powah play…
But gettin’ back tah Thor, so now he’s feelin’ real down on his luck since those fuckin’ giants just made a huge ass out’ah him n’ so he thinks he needs tah, yah know, tah just fuckin’ take a break n’ unwind fahrah fuckin’ while. So he goes n’ he gets out his goats n’ even though one’ah ‘em’s got a flat ti’ah he takes ‘em out ontah 128 anyway n’ he rides ‘em all the way up tah Gloustah ‘cause now he’s thinkin’, yah know, why not just fuckin’ rent a boat fahrah day, stock up on like 10 cases’ah ‘Gansett all fah himself—since this is Thor we’re talkin’ ’bout n’ he can’ fuckin’ drink—n’ just go fuckin’ fishin’ all day n’ take it easy fahrah while out on the watah. Doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?
But I gottah say, this is where I just kindah don’t fuckin’ get Thor sometimes. I mean he’s got this great fuckin’ plan, but fihrst thing he does when he gets tah Gloustah is he pahks his goats somewhere outtah sight, then he disguises himself as a kid—
NO!!!—Like a human kid, yah know, like a fuckin’ child.
Why would I be talkin’ ‘bout a goat kid that just doesn’t even—
OH!!! Look at that! Look at that! You see that?! Shaw just jabbed Kelly in the face! What a fuckin’ losah. GO SIT IN THE BOX, SHAW!!!
Hey, have yah evah tried the ‘Ganset pohrtah?
…nah, haven’t tried it yet myself. I don’t think they got that one on tap here. Kindah cuhrious ‘bout it though.
Huh?
Eh, Gloustah’s alright I guess. Just kindah an old fishing town. Not a great place to raise a teenage daughtah though unless yah like lookin’ aftah the grandkids while she’s studyin’ fah her SATs…
Ahhh, yeah, shit…yeah, alright, okay so Thor’s dressed up like a little kid now, right, yeah. So now he decides tah go n’ walk ‘round town n’ get a feel fah the place but everywhere he goes there’s a bunch’ah fuckin’ giants all ovah the fuckin’ place. So he’s thinkin’, “Shit, where the fuck’d all these giants come from? Gloustah’s really gone fuckin’ down hill.” N’ at this point he doesn’t wannah come outtah his disguise eithah, yah know, ‘cause him n’ the giants, they got a histahry that makes the BU n’ BC guys look like they all play fah the same fuckin’ team…
…have we even gotten a shot off on this powah play? This is fuckin’ pathetic…
…but so now it’s stahtin’ tah get kindah late n’ Thor’s like, “Fuck, I’m ti’ahd.” So he goes up tah this one ugly house made all outtah concrete n’ he knocks on the door n’ this goofy ass giant wearin’ a floppy yellow hat n’ raincoat answahs n’ is like, “What the fuck do yah want?”
N’ Thor’s like, “I need a place tah sleep fah the night.”
N’ bein’ that this is Viking times that we’re talkin’ ‘bout, this is kindah an acceptable request, so the giant is just like, “Eh, whatevah.” N’ so he gives Thor some frozen fishsticks n’ lets him sleep there fah the night ah whatevah. Now tah me, that’s a worhse idear ‘en walkin’ ‘round Mattapan naked aftah midnight ‘cept fah bein’ covah’d in 100 dollah bills n’ blowin’ on a fuckin’ riot hohrn n’ that’s ‘cause that’s the kindah thing that’ll get yah ass kicked n’ I sure as fuck don’t fuckin’ trust giants. They’re a bunchah sick, twisted bastahds who’ll—
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?
Oh come on, where’s the fuckin’ D, fah Christ’s sake!?!
Jesus Christ, just let ‘em walk right in…
Ah, Chara…come on Chara…fuck…
I’m goin’ fahrah piss. Be back in a few.
…so as I was sayin’, yah know, Thor, he stays there at this giant’s house fah the night n’ he’s fine n’ all since he’s Thor n’ no one’s ‘bout tah fuckin’ molest Thor—not even Cahdinal Law’s dihrty rotten fuckin’ priests—without gettin’ both their ahrms ripped off.
So when mohrnin’ comes Thor gets up n’ he asks this giant—oh, n’ this giant’s name is Hymir by the way, I don’t think I said that, I’m not sure, I don’t really remembah. But anyway so Thor gets up n’ he asks Hymir if he can go fishin’ with him that day. N’ Hymir’s just like, “No,” on accounah the fact that Thor looks like a tiny little kid who wouldn’t be ah any help at all whatsofuckin’evah.
Now as I’m sure yah already realize at this point, Thor’s got a fuckin’ tempah, but somehow he managed tah swallah his pride on this pahticulah ahccassion so that instead’ah whippin’ out his special hammah n’ fuckin’ flat-out killin’ the retahd right there on the fuckin’ spot—
YEAH, TUUKA!!! NICE SAVE!!!
—instead’ah killin’ him right on the spot, he just challenged him instead. Yah know, insulted the giant’s manhood. He was like, “Hey Hymir, fuck you. N’ while we’re at it, I bet I can row out tah sea fahrthah ‘en you can, oh n’ by the way yah dick’s fuckin’ wicked tiny n’ I fuckin’ hate yah.”
N’ then tah really get at him, Thor went out intah the woods right aftah he said that tah where all Hymir’s oxes were n’ he found the biggest n’ most powahful n’ prized of all the oxes n’ then he prahceeded tah fuckin’ rip its head off with his bahre fuckin’ hands.
So now Thor’s walkin’ back tah Hymir’s house carryin’ this dead ox head, yah know, fuckin’ drippin’ blood allovah the fuckin’ place since he didn’t have the patience tah let the thing dry out fihrst since this is Thor we’re talkin’ ‘bout n’ Thor is not a patient individual n’ the whole time he’s fantasizin’ ‘bout all the diff’rent ways he can use this decapitated ox head tah get back at Hymir n’ the whole thing’s makin’ him happi’ah ‘en an alcaholic leprechuan guzzlin’ Guinness straight outtah a bottomless pot’ah gold on St. Patty’s Day.