[Part I, Part II, Part III., Part IV, Part V,
Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X,
Part XI, Part XII, and Part XIII.]
But now in the meantime Hymir’s gotten fuckin’ wicked pissed on accoun’ah the fact that Thor just told him he has a small dick. I mean, he’s a fuckin’ giant, right? Nobody gets away with tellin’ a giant he’s got a little dick unless it’s Thor. I’m not even sure if Odin could get away with pullin’ that one off since yah know he’s not as strong as Thor is but then he’s alsah a lot mohr wisah so he pry wouldn’t’ah insulted the guy like that in the fihrst place. You ah me though, we’d be fuckin’ dead the minute the wohrds came outtah our fuckin’ mouths. I mean the guy’s a fuckin’ giant fah Christ’s sake! He pry wouldah pressed us tah death like Giles Corey but with his huge ass giant dick insteadah bouldahs just tah prove his point.
But anyway, so now Thor comes back from decapitatin’ Hymir’s ox n’ he, like, yah know, he fuckin’ hides that ox head in Hymir’s boat so Hymir can’t see it n’ then they row off tah go fishin’ tahgethah ‘cause by this point Hymir’s decided tah change his mind n’ take Thor up on his challenge ‘bout who can row the fahthest.
I don’t know why. Maybe somethin’ tah do with the dick insult.
But so now they’re out there on the open watah n’ Hymir’s like, “Hey, let’s fish here.” N’ Thor’s like, “Shut the fuck up, we’re not stoppin’ till we get past the Outah Banks.”
But Hymir doesn’t like this, he’s like, “But come on Thor, what’s wrong with where we’re at right now? Look at all the fuckin’ fish. There’s a lottah a fuckin’ fish hee’ah.”
N’ Thor nee’hly fuckin’ loses it! He’s like: “YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKING LOSER!!! I am NOT gonnah be shown up by some fuckin’ brahmin rat bastahd from fuckin’ Hollywood.”
N’ Hymir kindah doesn’t get it but he backs down n’ Thor just mumbles somethin’ ‘bout how George Clooney can go n’ fuck himself n’ then they keep on rowin’ out there fuckin’ fahthah n’ fahthah n’ fahthah.
So they’re gettin’ pretty fah out there now n’ it’s stahtin’ tah make Hymir real uneasy ‘cause they’re stahtin’ tah get real close tah the Midgard Serpent’s home watahs n’ even though Hymir’s a prick giant himself, giants don’t always get along with the fuckin’ snake any bettah ‘en the gods do, at least till they decide tah team up with it in ordah tah muhrdah all the gods n’ destroy the entiyah fuckin’ univerhse by settin’ it on fi’ah. So he’s like, “Hey, man, ahren’t we fah ‘nough out tah sea now?” But do yah think Thor gives a shit?
THOR DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HE FUCKING WANTS!!! I mean, gettin’ intah the sehrpent’s home watahs is the entiyah fuckin’ point’ah this whole fuckin’ fishin’ trip—
Wait, what?
Yeah, yeah, that too, the dick size contest n’ some fuckin’ relaxation ahr also paht’ah the reason fah the trip. Thor’s a real fuckin’ multitaskah, ha! They’d love him in a fuckin’ high stress office envirahnment ‘round hee’ah. He multitasks, he takes his wohrk with him ON VACATION, n’ he doesn’t even go all that fah away anyway—I mean fuckin’ Gloustah, come on, no brainah. N’ yah know, with his whole lack a patience thing, it’s like he fuckin’ displays a real solid sense’ah fuckin’ uhrgency ALL THE FUCKING TIME, n’ he gets shit done too. No one’s got the balls tah say no tah him, ‘cause othahwise they get smashed right in the fuckin’ face with a bigass medieval hammah that casts fuckin’ lightning bolts. So, yeah, Thor’s a real hahd fuckin’ praductive wohrkah if yah ask me.
Yeah, sehriously, he’d be like fuckin’ employee’ah the yee’ah ovah at State Street ah maybe one’ah the law fihrms—
Oh! Ah fuck, they blocked it. COME ON GUYS!!!
…ah yah know, I bet he’d make a good statie too. But anyways, so now Hymir, he’s basic’ly shittin’ in his pants right now n’ he fuckin’ drops his oahr n’ so now Thor has tah keep on rowin’ the boat all by himself till finally he gets it so it’s floatin’ right ovah the fuckin’ sehrpent itself.
Now at this point Thor gets out the decapitated ox head n’ he stahts tah tie it tah a fishin’ line n’ nahmally this wouldah caused Hymir tah get right up in his face as soon as he saw this ‘cause he recognizes it as his own best ox n’ he didn’t know that Thor had gone n’ ripped off its fuckin’ head with his bare fuckin’ hands but he’s so scah’d shitless on accoun’ah the fact that the fuckin’ serpent’s luhrkin’ there in the water right beneath ‘em n’ so now n’ he’s stahtin’ realize that yah know, maybe Thor isn’t just some tiny little kid aftah’all.
So now Thor casts this line out with the decapitated ox head on it as bait n’ soon as it sinks down he gets a bite n’ he stahts reelin’ it in like a fuckin’ maniac n’ his feet break through the hull’ah the boat n’ so now he’s standin’ on the bottom’ah the seabed at this point n’ then befohr yah even fuckin’ know it, the Midgard Serpent’s breakin’ through the waves all ‘round the boat n’ this thing is mean I mean real fuckin’ mean. He’s a vicious fuckin’ snake fuckin’ monstrahsity n’ he’s spittin’ poison all ovah the place n’ he’s snahlin’ like a fuckin’ demon straight outtah hell n’ he’s got the fishin’ line hook caught in his mouth n’ so he can’t get away n’ Thor n’ him ahr just stahrin’ at each othah straight in the fuckin’—
GODDAMN IT!!! GET IT OUT OF THE FUCKING ZONE!!!
Jesus Christ! Oh, great, now we got a penalty. Now we got a fuckin’ penalty.
That’s just fuckin’ pathetic. What the fuck. Fuckin’ need tah stop playin’ like shit…I sweahr, I get so fuckin’ sick n’ ti’ahd’ah seein’ our guys skate ‘round like a bunch’ah fuckin’ chickens with their heads cut off. It’s the finals fah Christ’s sake, why ahr they playing’ like a bunchah fuckin’ peewees?
Maybe we need tah get Emelio Estavez tah fuckin’ teach ‘em how play like a fuckin’ team. I mean just look at ‘em…how the fuck do they manage tah break down this fuckin’ often?…
Eh?
Sehriously, at least we even fuckin’ made the playoffs this yee’ah. I mean just imagine it if was like two yee’ahs from now when we don’t even make the playoffs at all fah fuck’s sake. We wouldn’t even be sittin’ hee’ah watchin’ this shit show right now if that was the case. We’d be fuckin’ like, I don’t know, sittin’ ‘round drinkin’ at home n’ bitchin’ ‘bout how they really fucked it up in the regulah season n’ now tah make mattahs even wohrse, the weekend’s almost fuckin’ ovah. Fuckin’ A. But I mean really, how do yah go from winnin’ the Presidents Trophy one yee’ah tah goin’ home real fuckin’ eahrly the next? It’s just…I don’t know…
…yeah man, fuckin’ THOR!!!
What a fuckin’ fightah that guy is!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so yah know, he’s standin’ there holdin’ the fishin’ rod with one hand n’ he’s reachin’ fah his magic hammah with the othah so that he can use it tah fuckin’ pound the livin’ shit outtah that goddamn piece’ah shit snake fah’ronce n’ fah’rall when all’ah a sudden that shit fah brains giant Hymir goes n’ cuts the fuckin’ line!
He’s such a fuckin’ back-stabbin’ son of a bitch! I sweahr tah God, nevah go fishin’ with a giant. Evah. They’re all fuckin’ worthless useless assholes that make the Kahdashians look like praductive membahs’ah society.
But now because ah this the sehrpent sinks back intah the watah n’ Thor at least he reacts real fuckin’ fast ‘cause he throws his hammer intah the watah aftah it but I guess magical hammahs ahren’t as effective undah the watah as they ahr in the aihr ‘cause the fuckin’ sehrpent suhrvives but Thor at least gets his hammah back since it wohrks kindah like a boomarang.
But he’s so fuckin’ pissed. I mean you would not even want tah be anywhere nee’ah him right now he’s so fuckin’ pissed n’ so he punches that retahd Hymir right in the fuckin’ face n’ Hymir falls ovahboahrd n’ Thor just leaves him there tah drown out in the middle’ah the fuckin’ ocean, which is pretty much what he desehrves, the fuckin’ losah. I fuckin’ hate that guy.