1. Are you sure you’re really trapped? You don’t look that trapped.
2. But you’re too smart to be trapped in a well.
3. Yeah, I was trapped in a well once too. It was pretty dank. But the well just went away when I made sure to sleep more every night, eat protein at breakfast, and cold plunge every ninety minutes.
4. Are you sure this is even a well?
5. It could be worse. You should do some gratitude journaling.
6. Have you tried getting out once in a while? Call a friend. Go to a movie. Rent a luxury sedan, drive yourself to a remote Airbnb in the woods, and go on a three-day-long hiking adventure searching for the perfect gnarled walking stick.
7. Nobody wants to be around you if you’re just gonna dwell on this well stuff.
8. Have you even bothered to look outside of the well? It’s beautiful out. The sky is cyan, the sun is shining, and the dewpoint is a perfect fifty-four degrees. All of us out here love how it’s just sultry enough to skip the lip balm but not so much that our hair’s all frizzy.
9. Maybe there’s something you need to learn from this well, like resilience?
10. C’mon, this well isn’t even that deep. Did you know there was a guy in 1895 who got trapped in a well that was 143 feet deep? The water in his well was up to his chest. Yours is thigh height at the most. Anyway, this guy carved his own steps into the well, climbed those steps with broken bones, and then hoisted his own battered body out using enormous sunflowers!
11. Are you even trying?
12. You could start by changing the story you’re telling yourself. And maybe your attitude.
13. That 1895 guy didn’t even have a single person around to shout suggestions down to him from the safety and comfort of not being in the well. You really do need to practice gratitude. Have you gotten yourself a journal yet? I mean, you could at least try etching things you’re grateful for into the well’s wall with your fingernails.
14. Have you tried yoga?