Taka Monzo has a reputation as the premier Japanese restaurant in the city, which is why our friend group was so eager to go there last night after work. We were excited to try the Nyotaimori experience, or “body sushi,” however, we had a less than ideal time due to the nude sushi model.

  • We assumed that hygiene wouldn’t be an issue, but her fingernails were filthy and she clipped them throughout. Some of the California rolls were resting on scabs. Plus, her ZZ Top beard laid over the sushi so we had to part it with our chopsticks. She tried to convince us that the leeches sucking from her body were nigiri, but they tasted like blood.
  • She coughed a lot, and the phlegm flew into the air like a fountain.
  • Ambiance is a key part of the dining experience that should not be overlooked. Yet each time we reached for a piece of yellowtail, she’d grab our wrist and make us promise to vote for Jill Stein. To be fair, she made some good points about how the two-party system is bullshit, but she was hard to understand with that mouthful of chewing tobacco.
  • She shushed us to watch Flat Earther videos on her phone. One claimed the planet had been smushed by a big brontosaurus foot. The video was supposed to be scientific, but the segue between “facts” was a loud guitar riff.
  • A word about sushi placement: many of the pieces were wedged under her body, and she made a point to crush our knuckles. She got off on hurting us, and her cackle was haunting.
  • In the future, perhaps she could go to the bathroom before the meal rather than continuously throughout it? After we vetoed the bedpan, she wheeled herself into the commode by pushing her cart with an oar. When she returned, she waved her hand in front of her face and said “P.U.”
  • There were a lot of awkward silences after that.
  • It’s never a bad idea to reevaluate your hiring practices from time to time to make sure your workers are a good fit. For instance, by not employing a sushi model who’s allergic to the touch of fish. Her skin swelled up like a pumpkin from the spider roll and she had to give herself an EpiPen!
  • A private room should be private, yet our sushi model invited her friend to hang out. He carried a bindle and told us to call him “Crusher.” We tried to include him in the conversation, but we could barely hear his rants about the unfairness of public urination laws over the barking of his pit bull. Crusher mocked us for paying taxes and poured the soy sauce carafe into a dirty ziplock bag. It spilled in his pocket and he sucked the sauce out of his shirt.
  • We’re not ones to complain for the sake of it, so we wanted to offer some tips to help her improve. First of all, it hurts the quality of the tempura when you duct tape it to your body so you can stand up and do t’ai chi. Also, it would be better if she didn’t ask to borrow money. When we said we didn’t have any, she rifled through our pockets as we flailed.

Despite our issues with the sushi model, we would definitely eat here again because the food was frankly outstanding. The temaki was divine, and the cuts of sashimi were expertly sliced. You’re in good hands with their chef, who is also nude.