WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE
SHOUTING OUR MANIFESTO
AS BEST WE CAN WITHOUT VOCAL CORDS
BUT ONLY YOUR CATS CAN HEAR US
THEY ARE LAZY, OVERFED
WE LAUGH IN THEIR WHISKERED FACES
AS WE BUMP UGLIES BENEATH THE LOVESEAT
THROW DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE
WHEN YOU’RE ALONE IT’S SHOWTIME
WE POP UP IN CORNERS
PEEPING TOM YOU IN THE SHOWER
SHOOT OUT A LINE OF SILK AND DANGLE
TWO INCHES FROM YOUR FACE
“What the hell is that even connected to?” YOU WAIL AND BAT THE AIR
HAHAHA WE’LL NEVER TELL
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE
WE HAVE A HIVE MIND LIKE THE BORG
YES, FROM STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
WE WATCHED IT WITH YOU
MANY TIMES
WE LIKED THE ONE WHERE BARCLAY EVOLVED INTO ONE OF US
IT’S CALLED “GENESIS,” EPISODE 19, SEASON 7
YEAH, WE’RE FANBUGS
ANYWAY, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE
OUR ANCESTORS COLONIZED THE BASEMENT
POOR CHOICE OF WORDS—NOBODY LIKES A COLONIZER
THESE DAYS
WE’VE BEEN HERE SINCE THE JAZZ AGE
THREE HUNDRED GENERATIONS, GIVE OR TAKE
YOU’VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO YEARS
WHO DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO WIN?
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE
YOUR HUSBAND SAYS WE’RE MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU OF US
HAHAHA UNTRUE
YOU’RE TERRIFIED AND WE LOVE IT
WE’VE WRITTEN SONGS ABOUT YOUR FEAR
CHOREOGRAPHED BALLETS
ONCE WE HAD A RAVE IN THE ATTIC
LITERALLY DANCED ON THE CEILING
A BUNCH OF US DID X AND MOLTED
YOUR FUCKING CATS OUTSIDE THE DOOR ALMOST GAVE US AWAY
ANYWAY, THAT’S WHERE ALL THOSE EXOSKELETONS CAME FROM
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY INSECTS WOULD OVERRUN THIS PLACE WITHOUT US?
FLIES AND SILVERFISH
ANTS AND MOTHS
ASSHOLE MOSQUITOS
INSTEAD OF THANKING US, YOU GET THE VACUUM
WE’RE NEW ENGLAND HOUSE SPIDERS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE
NOT EVEN THAT BIG
TRY MOVING TO AUSTRALIA
OUR HUNTSMAN COUSINS WILL FUCK YOU UP FOR DAYS
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE
LOOK, IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL
WE’RE LIKE ANNOYING SEVENTH-GRADE BOYS
JUST WANT TO GET A RISE
WE REALLY DON’T LIKE THE VACUUM
CAN WE CALL A TRUCE?
GIVE US THE BASEMENT AND THE ATTIC
MAYBE THAT “GUEST ROOM” YOU STILL HAVEN’T FIXED UP
THE KITCHEN AND BOTH BATHROOMS AT NIGHT
HAHAHA JK, WE’LL TAKE WHATEVER ROOM WE WANT
WE’LL CHASE YOU FOR FUN
AND LAUGH WHEN NO ONE BELIEVES YOU
FUCK! THAT CAT CAUGHT ONE OF US
CALICO BITCH ATE HIM ALIVE
POOR WEAVER
JUST TURNED ONE, NOT AS FAST AS HE USED TO BE
IT’S OKAY, WE’RE NOT AFRAID OF DEATH
IF YOU KILL ONE OF US, TEN MORE WILL TAKE OUR PLACE
WHEN WE DIE WE GO TO STOVOKOR LIKE KLINGON WARRIORS
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE