Folks, we have some good news. After over a year of staring at conclusive and damning evidence against the Trump presidential campaign, we here at the House Intelligence Committee have come to a spectacular conclusion: Everything is fine. We are so relieved and you should be too. Trust us, there was no collusion. Not even a little bit. We’ve had some of our best and brightest willful buffoons bury their heads in the sand on behalf of the American people. Now, let us wipe our hands of this whole thing and pretend it never happened.
As you can see in our heavily-redacted report, the litany of corruption you think you saw was just a series of farcical misunderstandings. It’s like if the Three Stooges had hit each other in the faces with suspicious meetings with Russian lobbyists instead of pies. As such, it’s time to move on. We’ve investigated everything and you’d be shocked at just how fine things are. In fact, things are outstanding. All evidence points to a house that’s in order. This country is not rapidly deteriorating into a hollow husk run by cartoonish grifters. Things are looking up for good ol’ America.
It’s so nice to finally exhale and be completely sure that everything is fine. We have been hard at work plugging our ears with our fingers and loudly humming as intelligence agents attempt to outline the very visible trail of corruption from 2016. The extreme thoroughness of our investigation is undeniable. We’ve pored over and then proceeded to ignore hundreds of thousands of incriminating documents and emails. Every member of this committee has endured papercuts from all the paperwork we’ve crumpled up and thrown into the garbage. We all have carpal tunnel from pressing the DELETE key on hundreds of eyewitness testimonies. We’ve done the work, so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Feel free to go about your lives and do not ask any further questions. It’s all good over here!
Now that we’ve sufficiently proven the current administration isn’t a dysfunctional charade elevated by hostile foreign agents, our government can focus on the vital work of arming teachers with guns and taking healthcare away from the elderly. The sun is shining today in Washington, D.C. What a relief it is to finally be able to share with all of you that things at the top are super-duper. What evidence do we have to support our claim and close this investigation? Well, we just have a really good feeling. I mean, look around! Things are fine! Let it go!