First of all, congratulations! Expecting a demagogue is truly a life-changing experience. While the specifics of having a demagogue can’t be fully predictable (such is the nature of demagoguery), this guide will help you navigate your new life. At least until your demagogue fully dismantles your world into a fiery, post-truth oblivion.
FIRST TRIMESTER
You may not look completely saddled by a demagogue yet, but chances are you’re feeling it. That’s because your body is already preparing itself for the onslaught of bigotry you’ll face once your demagogue officially arrives. Many experience what’s known as “morning sickness” during these first few months. This is the spontaneous, gut-wrenching nausea that occurs when you awaken to the realization that your demagogue is, like, super real. This should taper out at about week 12, when reality fully sets in — along with the stress diarrhea.
Growth: Your demagogue is about the size of a shriveled apricot.
Milestones: Your demagogue is now bragging daily.
SECOND TRIMESTER
You’re halfway to the arrival of your demagogue! After spending your first few months purging your newsfeed of pro-demagogue people, you’ll notice some of the effects of your demagogue ease up for a bit. Oh, your demagogue is definitely still there. But at least you can make it through an episode of Sex and the City without getting an immediate distaste for white privilege.
Growth: Your demagogue is starting to take the shape of a sentient strip of fruit leather.
Milestones: Your demagogue will start to kick and jab at constitutional rights more consistently.
THIRD TRIMESTER
Your demagogue is almost here! It may feel like there’s no way it could possibly grow bigger, but it will. You’ve got your panic room fully stocked with IUDs and picked which issues of the New York Times you want papering your walls. You’ve read the entire archives of The Onion hoping to glean some bit of insight. You have an emergency Canada bag packed for when your demagogue arrives, but chances are you won’t use it. You’ve likely got serious fatigue; it’s exhausting to feed your impending sense of doom! On the upside, nobody will question why you haven’t changed your sweatpants for three days as they will recognize this as “self-care.”
Growth: Your demagogue is approximately the size of a nylon stuffed with loose butterscotch pudding.
Milestones: Your demagogue’s senses, especially its sense of entitlement, are strengthening every day.
FIRST YEAR
You’ve made it through one full year with your demagogue! You thought the screaming and crying would never end, but you’re finally able to sleep through the night without breaking into a full-bodied sob. You even smiled and made a noise that passed as laughter! Revel in these small victories because your demagogue is gaining actual mobility now. The time when it starts to try running for another term will come quicker than you think.
Milestones: Starting to stand against Planned Parenthood; Waves bye-bye to the health care coverage of millions; Able to identify self in the mirror and SNL skits.
YEARS 2-4
After its first few steps, your demagogue is now really on the move. Albeit, it chooses to run full speed towards a wall, but at least it’s being active, right? It says words but not with any discernible syntax. This could take anywhere from 1 to 70 more years to fully develop. Demagogues have never been known for their discretion — a quality some find fun and relatable — but its lack of social filter makes it hard to take out in public. If demagogues were capable of developing a sense of humor, this is when that would happen. To clarify, it won’t.
Milestones: Your demagogue may recognize some simple, straightforward requests. However, it still doesn’t have the capacity for more ambiguous directives like, “Be more inclusive” or “Tweet less.”
Some days will be tougher than others. Some days you’ll feel like you’re responsible for someone else’s demagogue. But stay vigilant. Don’t lose hope. These formative years are imperative in dictating the years to come. It’s not going to be easy, and while it may seem like life before your demagogue was forever ago, time will continue passing. Before you know it, you’ll be paging through history books, reminiscing about the first time you found out you’d be having a demagogue. In the meantime, check out our guides on effective discipline for a demagogue and what to do when your demagogue makes friends with a bad influence. At the very least, look into how you can control any unexpected midterm demagoguery.