To: allstaff@whitehouse.gov
Re: transition
All,
As you know, the date when we must be out of our offices is fast approaching. Here are a few helpful reminders in preparation for the changeover:
1. As of this morning, the red phone is again routed to the Kremlin, not Domino’s. Please use a regular phone to place your lunch order.
2. The Monday Night Football Room has been converted back into the War Room. That is why the president is crying.
3. If Mr. Cheney has killed one or more members of your family, kindly recall that we gave you a Wii in exchange for your continued silence.
4. All staff is requested to sweep the residential rooms for hidden Bacardi bottles. Please give these bottles to the president, as he would like to throw them away personally.
5. So as to appear frugal, we will be burning $100 bills instead of $1,000 bills in the fireplaces.
6. Going forward, if you experience problems with the Xerox machine, please summon a technician—_not_ a demon.
7. When the first lady is in her werewolf state, please do not let her out of her cage.
8. If Obama staff are in the White House prior to the transition, please refrain from eating babies in front of them.
9. Please remove skulls, scalps, and human bones from common areas.
10. A construction team will be closing up the hellmouth in the Oval Office. Please pardon our dust.
11. Please take home any leftovers from the fridge.