Thank you for joining us today on Why They Hate Us for this incisive exploration of what drives hatred and rage against Western society. We have gathered the world’s top religious and socio-political scholars to probe this topic from all angles, spanning historical, cultural, and economic perspectives. Please welcome Ahmed Yusef, Chair of the Department of Religious Studies at—
We interrupt this program for a breaking news headline: Woman sues Starbucks for putting too much ice in her coffee. Starbucks responds that iced coffees are supposed to be cold. Now back to our presentation…
Professor Yusef, as I was saying, is the Chair of Religious Studies at Dartmouth University. We also have with us Connie McCormack, author of Fundamentalism and Globalization in the New Millennium. But first, a word from our sponsor…
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And we are back. Let me take some time to invite our viewers to interact with us during this airing. Use hashtag #theyreallyreallyhateus on Twitter, follow us on Facebook, tag our Pinterest page, and purchase Why They Hate Us infant onesies on our Etsy site. Visit our Snapchat account for a day in the life of an academic religious scholar — Dr. Rashid tells us that really is Product 19 he is eating for breakfast — and purchase my 1992 Ford Taurus (low miles) on autotrader.com. I’m sorry, I’m getting word of a news alert… Yes. I am hearing that Eddie Murphy has just announced the birth of his ninth child, though it is only his first child with a model. My team tells me they’re still waiting on Adele’s reaction to the news but I promise we will get that to you as soon as we have it…
I turn now to the Director of the Center for Muslim studies and Sharia law expert Abed Abdullah for his comments on the role of immigration policy in this debate — one moment, I am just receiving this special news bulletin. What’s that? 10 things — no, 11 things you probably didn’t know about William and Kate’s wedding cake? Number one: the cake was three tiers tall because three is Kate’s lucky number. Number two: the cake was accompanied by pistachio ice cream because that is what the royal couple ate on their first date. Number three: the frosting included the fingernails of every butler that has served the Queen in the last 60 years. Number four: the cake was made with low-calorie ingredients, but the frosting was 90% butterfat, an homage to the late Princess Diana’s yo-yo dieting habits. Number five: the cake was adorned with 14,000 Swarovski crystals, 9,000 of which were accidentally consumed by the Dowager Duchess of Devonshire, who it appears has something of a crystal habit. Number six: the cake was topped with a jaunty fascinator. It was made of marzipan. Number seven: the cake was designed by notable pastry chef Dominique Ansel, who reportedly threw up his hands during the baking process and shouted, “Dees stoopeed piece of sheet cake!” prompting the Queen Mother to do a frontside 180 in her grave. Number eight: William and Kate saved two servings to enjoy on their first anniversary, which also included a round of putt-putt and a serenade performed by Adele. Number nine: the cake was insured by Lloyd’s of London for two million pounds (also an unfortunate reference to the late Princess Diana’s weight). Number ten: British psychic Jane Fryer has suggested that the cake was the reincarnation of Richard III, and that people should have recognized that when the cake started shouting, “Hey guys, I’m buried under a parking lot. Fookin’ nice way to treat a king!” Number eleven: Camilla, in yet another cruel snub, was disallowed from utilizing the royal cutlery to eat her cake; instead she was forced to use a fork fashioned out of a splintery tongue depressor supplied by the Queen…
Ladies and gentlemen, now back to the discussion at hand. Why do they hate us? Why, why, why, why, why? Food for thought as I’m afraid we’re out of time. We thank the panelists for being available to participate in this groundbreaking television event. Tariq Jamal, head of the International Society for Peace and Understanding, I see you would like to say something. We don’t have much time — what’s that, “I hate you?” So sorry, but yes! You can still have your Why They Hate Us goodie bag packed full with logo mug, ringer tee, and a lightly-worn copy of Yan Can Cook. That would put a smile on anyone’s face. Good night.
[Cue Steve Miller Band, “Fly Like an Eagle” outro]