We are thrilled to announce our upcoming season, which absolutely must dig us out of the red or it will be our last season! But no one is stressed, because ART! We are excited to share this rich and extremely safe collection of shows with you, our patrons.
Hurry now to order your subscription package for next season, so you can be sure to lock in your tickets for five or six times the price of a “day of” rush ticket, which you would absolutely be able to get, because, dear god, we cannot fill these seats. But the more subscriptions you buy, the fewer rush tickets will be available for our poorer, less desirable patrons—so order now!
The Tempest, by William Shakespeare
September 21–October 31
Join Prospero and Caliban as they… okay, look, we know you don’t want to see this, and we don’t want to do it. But it’s public domain so we don’t have to pay any playwrights, and our unpaid intern, Micah, can basically sell this out to school groups, who also don’t want to see it. With any luck, some of you will come, too, because we all know we should like Shakespeare, right? Come feel smart for an evening!
A Christmas Carol, written and performed by our artistic director
November 15–December 26
A one-man Christmas Carol, you ask? Why yes, beloved patron! Come see our artistic director drag himself out of performing retirement to put on the one-man Christmas Carol he wrote in college and is now finally being produced, by himself, just fifty-eight years later! Tickets to this show make the perfect holiday gift for friends you don’t like that much and colleagues you’d like to impress with how cultured you are. All your favorite Dickens characters—Scrooge, Bob Cratchit, Tiny Tim, and all three ghosts—are barely distinguishable from each other as our beloved AD donates all of his writing royalties and performing salary back to the theater so we can bring you…
Jersey Boys
February 1–March 15
Because all the other regional theaters are doing Jersey Boys? We were actually surprised to find out that the cast of Jersey Boys is more than just the Jersey Boys themselves (we mixed it up with Million Dollar Quartet, the other show that’s also just songs senior citizens with money already know). But our unpaid intern, Micah, who is constantly trying to get on stage rather than strong-arming patrons into buying subscription packages for their dogs,1 which is where we need him, asked if he could play Bob Crewe, which is how we found out that the cast of Jersey Boys is, like, fifteen people. Turns out this show is going to take our entire budget, which is why our final show of the season will be…
The Vagina Monologue
April 1–May 15
Just one. Four-drink minimum.
Festival of New Works
Many of you may be wondering what happened to our festival of new musicals, which became our festival of new plays, which became our festival of ten-minute plays, which became our festival of monologues, which became our festival of one-minute theater.
It is on hiatus until further notice.
Don’t miss your chance to be part of our thirty-fifth (and possibly last) season!
1 If you would like to purchase a subscription package for your dog, they are welcome! No crate is required; they are free to eat, bark, and scratch, and they will honestly not be that different from many of our current patrons. Please have dogs refrain from cell phone usage, taking photographs, or unwrapping candy during the performance.