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Articles by
John Long
John Long is a creative director who lives in New York.
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October 26, 2021To Win in 2022, Republicans Must Fight Cancel Culture and Fire Anyone Who Teaches Critical Race Theory
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July 15, 2019It’s Time for Us Republicans to Reject Trump’s Blatant Bigotry and Return to Good Old Fashioned Dog-Whistle Race-Baiting
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May 23, 2019The Thing I Need Most In My Life Right Now Is a Purpose-Driven Paper Towel Brand
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July 6, 2018I Was Going to Vote Democrat This November Until All This Incivility Forced Me Back on the Trump Train
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September 18, 2017Don’t Shame Me for Not Vaccinating My Labradoodle
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May 19, 2017Trump Voters Are Still Cautiously Optimistic
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April 11, 201710 Terms to Be Used by United Airlines Personnel When Addressing the Public
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October 15, 2024I’m an Undecided Hobbit, Torn Between a Dark Lord Who Promises an Age of Chaos and an Elf Queen Whom I Just Wish I Knew More About
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September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
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October 28, 2024The Starfleet Gazette Will Not Be Endorsing a Candidate for President of the United Federation of Planets
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November 1, 2024I Will Be Away from My Desk on November 6
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November 1, 2024270 Reasons: Because on January 6, I Was More Afraid Working at the Capitol Than During My Entire Army Deployment to Iraq
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November 1, 2024Template for Donald Trump’s “I Don’t Accept the Election Results” Speeches
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October 31, 2024This Election Wouldn’t Be So Close If My Historically Unpopular Opponent Wasn’t Such a Shrewd Campaigner