1. Passenger Favorite
(overbooked flight)
“Our flight to Miami this morning is a passenger favorite, so we’ll be re-accommodating several of you on other United flights.”
2. Bonus Destination
(re-routed flight)
“Ladies and gentlemen, we will no longer be landing in Sacramento. I’m excited to announce that Reno will be our bonus destination.”
3. Mindfulness Opportunity
(malfunctioning Wi-Fi)
“This United aircraft is not equipped with Wi-Fi as to provide our passengers with a best-in-class mindfulness opportunity.”
4. Nature Encounter
(turbulence)
“Please return to your seats and refrain from using the lavatories as to better enjoy the impending nature encounter.”
5. Baggage Layover
(lost luggage)
“If your luggage didn’t appear at the specified area, a United crew member will be happy to tell you about your baggage layover.”
6. Calorie-Free Flight
(no food or beverage service)
“At United we take our passengers’ health seriously, so our trip to Dallas today will be a calorie-free flight.”
7. Schedule Re-Optimization
(flight delay/cancellation)
“For those United passengers traveling to Chicago this afternoon, I’m pleased to announce a schedule re-optimization. Flight 161’s new departure time has been re-optimized for tomorrow at 5:30 AM.”
8. Complimentary Oxygen Bar Service
(cabin pressure collapse)
“While we normalize the cabin environment, please enjoy our complimentary oxygen bar service.”
9. Guest Pilot
(hijacker)
“We have a guest pilot on board this morning, so we’ll be announcing our bonus destination shortly.”
10. Unscheduled Equipment Retirement
(crash)
“United regrets to announce that Flight 80 from Boston to Las Vegas experienced an unscheduled equipment retirement. As soon as our United crew reaches the flight’s bonus destination, we will announce how many passengers, if any, we will re-accommodate.”