The Believer Magazine
Articles by
Matthew Brian Cohen
Matthew Brian Cohen’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Weekend Update, The Onion, College Humor, and more. He runs the humor magazine, Janice.
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October 31, 2024This Election Wouldn’t Be So Close If My Historically Unpopular Opponent Wasn’t Such a Shrewd Campaigner
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April 22, 2022This City Pledges to Be Carbon-Neutral by the Time It’s Too Late
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February 15, 2022Enough With the Hygiene Theater. I Want to Take a Shit Without Washing My Hands
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January 11, 2022The Safest Place for Your Kids Right Now Is Inside the Scorpion Pit
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January 13, 2021This Might Be The Most Disgusting Fuddruckers of All Time, But It’s Just Not Who We Are
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November 10, 2020It’s Time to Bring the Country Together and Let Republicans Get Away with Crimes Again
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March 26, 2020As Bad As the COVID-19 Crisis Is Now, Life Will Eventually Go Back to Being Normal-Bad Again
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February 10, 2020America Must Not Become Socialist, Lest We Abandon What Makes Our Country Awful
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January 7, 2020The Case For War, By Someone Whose Kids Won’t Die Fighting In It
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August 21, 2019Summary of Benefits and Coverage For Your New Garbage Health Insurance
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June 14, 2019I Don’t Actually Have to Sell This War With Iran, Do I?
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April 17, 2019Put Aside Your Purity Politics and Embrace My Feckless Centrism
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March 10, 2025As an American Jew, I Feel Completely Reassured for My Safety Now That Trump Has Targeted the Epicenter of American Antisemitism, Columbia University
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March 18, 2025Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy
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March 12, 2025DOGE-Inspired Spring Cleaning
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March 5, 2025Short Conversations with Poets: Dong Li
Recently
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March 25, 2025The Plan to Bomb the Middle East Finally Made It Out of the Group Chat
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March 25, 2025Acknowledgements
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March 24, 2025Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes
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March 24, 2025My Mother-in-Law Wouldn’t Complain If She Didn’t Get Her Social Security Check, Because She Would Be Dead