The Believer Magazine
Articles by
Sarah Schmelling
Sarah Schmelling is a humor writer and journalist in Washington, DC. She’s contributed to the New Yorker, the New York Times, the Washington Post, and many parent-y publications, and is the author of a humor book that grew out of a McSweeney’s piece.
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December 13, 2023Mary Bailey’s Christmas Week To-Do List
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January 11, 2022Please, World, in a Time of Infinite Darkness, Just Let Us Have Wordle
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September 19, 2017Other ‘Talk-Like-a…’ Days
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December 3, 2014Ten Things to NEVER Say to a Stay-at-Home Viking
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November 27, 2013You Are a Gravy Boat
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September 22, 2011Goldilocks Reviews the Sunshine Mary Jane Pump on Zappos
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March 25, 2010Other Things On My List Besides Your Kiss
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January 11, 2010Mom Takes Children’s Songs Literally
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July 30, 2008Hamlet (Facebook News Feed Edition)
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May 24, 2006Ryan Seacrest Breaks Bad News
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May 6, 2002Overheard at the Fall 2001 Microprocessing Development Conference, in San Jose, California
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November 9, 2000The Election: Two Transcripts
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March 18, 2025Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy
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March 24, 2025Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes
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March 10, 2025As an American Jew, I Feel Completely Reassured for My Safety Now That Trump Has Targeted the Epicenter of American Antisemitism, Columbia University
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March 13, 2025It’s a Shame We Have to Betray Our Allies, Starve the Poor, Halt Scientific Progress, Destroy the Environment, and Eliminate the Freedoms Enshrined in the Bill of Rights, but at Least My Investment Portfolio Is Also Tanking
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March 28, 2025Although I Voted for You to Be Turned into Soup, There’s No Reason We Can’t Be Friends Before You Are Liquefied
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March 28, 2025Brutally Honest Emails from Academia.edu
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March 27, 2025We Are the People Who Buy Red Delicious Apples
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March 27, 2025A Letter from Believer Editor Daniel Gumbiner